Sunday, December 10, 2006

Baby Makes Three

News of Mary Cheney’s pregnancy has the nation talking. Such a high profile lesbian having a baby must be giving the far right wing many nightmarish nights. Those on the left can only see Mary Cheney as a colossal hypocrite. She has a lot of nerve after spending so much time working for a campaign that undermined the rights of people just like her to have children.

For me, though, I am just horrified at the idea of any Cheney reproducing again. Obviously, notions of eugenics scare me. In the case of the Cheneys, though, I might make an exception. As a nation, can’t we say that family should just end with the current generation? How much more evil must we endure?

Some argue, though, that such a public right-wing figure having a baby in a same-sex family does the whole queer population some good. Indeed, Mary currently has several nominations for Joe.My.God’s Queer of the Year. If you think that there are other queer folk more deserving of this honor, amble on over to Joe’s and submit a nomination by December 15.

As for me, you know how I get. Though Mary lacks basic human decency, I still think that all queer folk need to support each other. As distasteful as it is, we can’t just disown Mary from our ranks . . . Can we? Seriously, I am asking. Is that possible? Maybe some sort of petition? Or a legal ruling that would prevent her from calling herself a lesbian? Can we trademark that term?

Of course, I kid. In the non-sectarian, non-denominational spirit of the winter holidays, I want to help Mary plan for her new baby. Therefore, here is a potential gift list that will cater to the specific needs of the Cheney-Poe baby:

    Baby wipes – You can never have too many.

    Extra blankets

    Packages of onesies – I hear from parents that you go through tons of these, what with all of the vomiting and shitting. Why does anybody ever want a baby?

    Terrycloth mother substitute from the Harry Harlow monkey experiments – Lord knows with a mother as cold and soulless as Mary Cheney, that child is going to need something warm to hold.

    Full translation of the Qu’ran for those rebellious teen years.

    A Constitutional Amendment protecting her mothers’ basic civil rights.

    The complete Curious George set. This isn’t really for the baby, but to keep Uncle Georgie Bush entertained when he visits.

    Thank you note from all the other children born at the exact same time expressing their gratitude for not having ended up as the grandchild of Dick Cheney.

    Extra cases of formula. Breast-milk is usually best, but would you want to put your lips on Mary Cheney’s nipple? Think of the child’s basic human rights.

    The number for Christina Crawford’s literary agent. Tell me that this baby’s life won’t be a NBC telemovie in thirty years.

    Gift certificates for plastic surgery. Would you want to look like a Cheney?

    Get-out-of-jail-free-card to smack Mary around if his or her name includes the word “Coors.” Ditto if it includes the words “George,” “Walker,” or “Bush.” Why not just name the baby Adolf and be done with it?

    Baby monitor – Well, come to think of it, that might not be necessary. Alberto Gonzáles probably has the whole house wired up. He can just come over when he hears a crisis.

    Multiple orange vests to prevent being mistaken for a quail by a certain grandfather.

    Snoopy sheet set.

    Round-the-clock tutors. If this child’s intelligence comes from the rest of the Cheneys, it’s going to be one dumb little monkey. Let’s hope that Mary paid a few extra bucks for some Noble-Prize winning sperm.

    Written guarantees that this baby is not actually property of Halliburton or one of its subsidiaries.

    Flash cards so that the baby can learn the tiny differences between its grandfather and Penguin, Batman's archenemy.

    Court-ordered weekends with a well adjusted lesbian couple. This baby, after all, will want to be around healthy queers and surely appreciate the time away from crazy Mary and Heather.

    Baby’s “My First Ethically Questionable Act” photo frame.

    Pre-filled out paperwork to change her or his last name upon reaching adulthood. Who would want to be a Cheney? Save the child some work when he or she is eighteen.

    Photo albums of the happy times in the United States before the baby's grandfather screwed over the nation.

    A well-reasoned explanation about why he or she had to be born into a political family that made the Kennedy’s look downright normal.

    Snake repellent, in case Condoleezza Rice drops by unexpectedly.

    A copy of the book Heather Has Two Mommies. Alternatively, you can substitute Lynn Cheney’s lesbian erotica Sisters.

    Twenty million dollars from Concerned Women for America for making this baby’s life an unpleasant living hell. Isn’t being a Cheney enough of a burden? Why do the Christian nuts have to make it even worse.

    A fresh copy of the U.S. Constitution with the basic civil rights guarantees highlighted. Heck, somebody in that family should have one.

    A t-shirt with the statement, “I am not self-hating, but my moms are.”

    Years and years of prepaid therapy.


Anonymous said...

If there is a way to kick Mary Cheney out of our ranks, don't forget to use it to get rid of Andrew Sullivan.

dykewife said...

you should have used the burgess meredith penguin. that's far closer to cheney (and old too).

i wonder if the cheneys are going to sue for custody of their grandchild.

Anonymous said...

But dykewife, Devito was way creepier.

Another excellent list, GP. Up there with your best work.

Will said...

Baby Wipes are apparently good for much more than a potential gift for Mary Cheney. Scott on the blog Bill in Exile reports that the considerate and responsible gay man who wants to be completely fresh for a lover or fb who enjoys rimming will find a baby wipe to be the ultimate in male hygiene.

Anonymous said...

GP: Ugh!

Will: Some of us have long tongues.

tornwordo said...

Funny stuff! Think of the baby's basic human rights and multiple orange vests for example.

And on a personal note, who cares about Mary Cheney? There's shots of Britney's cooter to be seen.

Anonymous said...

Ewww. Britney's hoo-hah is one of those things that is best kept in the dark and away from the public eye....

Anonymous said...

Billiant post!

The baby orange hunting vest had me choking coffee on my keyboard!

Anonymous said...

Gawds above, thank you for the Monday Morning Laughter!

Why anyone chooses to spawn is a huge mystery to me. I am glad my brothers have done so because I do love being with the kids. Best part? Waving bye-bye when they go home!

When is the Spawn of Cheney due, anyway?

Antonio said...

I don't get this all this hate for Mary Cheney. Wow, she's a lesbian who happens to be the daughter of the VP. Republicans support a lot of ideas that have nothing to do homosexuality.

Kicking Cheney "out of our ranks" is just ridiculous. For one thing, let's not pretend gays are some highly-evolved group of progressive thinkers ready to roll America into a new realm of enlightenment. At the end of the day, we're subject to the same flaws and shortcomings that all people are. Second of all, it seems that all Mary Cheney has done to upset the gay community is not be as outspoken as they'd like. Geez, let the woman live her life and get off her nuts.

vuboq said...

Rather than track down where they have registered all these wonderful baby gift ideas, I think I might make a donation to an organization that actually works to advance our rights, like Equality Maryland, in the baby's honor.

GayProf said...

Chad: Does anybody actually take Sullivan seriously anymore? Nowadays he seems to have an audience just for being a freak-show.

DykeWife: It was a tough call with Burgess Meredith. After all, I didn't even like the DeVito version. In the end, I agree with JPDC, he was just creepier.

Will Good to know. I hear they make adult versions, though, that are actually flushable (unlike baby wipes).

Chris: Or, people just use tongues...

Torn: Well, nobody can compete with Brittany and her lack of panties.

Seeker: I think the cat is out of the box . . . or something.

Cooper: That's no joke -- the baby needs those vests.

Laura Elizabeth: I think the baby is due in the Spring. We will probably know because of the usual signs when a Cheney is born: there will be a solar eclipse and horses will start eating each other.

Antonio: Fair enough -- Though I was only, you know, joking about getting rid of Mary Cheney. Relax a bit -- CoG ain't that deep. It's just a blog.

Still, Mary Cheney made herself a target by doing things that harm real life gay people. Claims that she is just an "average woman" don't ring true.

While Mary says that she isn't involved in queer politics, she has long made a career out of being a lesbian. First, she went to work for Coors as the GLBT liaison. As far as I can tell, her job was to convince queer people to drink Coors beer despite the company's dark history of homophobic actions. She happily undermined an on-going queer boycott of the company.

Next, she did not simply sit on the sidelines while her father won elections based on the hatred of gays. Mary actively worked for that campaign.

Finally, she wrote a book to maintain her visibility in the public eye. In that book, she attacked queer activists who have actually done the work that allows Mary to be able to acknowledge that she is a lesbian at all.

Mary Cheney is not simply living a quiet life and trying to get by within a homophobic nation. She has had a personal hand in maintaining, or even increasing, the homophobia in the nation. If she doesn't like being held accountable for her actions, then she should have thought about other queer folk beyond herself for a change.

VUBOQ: That's a jolly idea. Or, in lieu of that, you could donate to Planned Parenthood.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget that Mary Cheney claimed that her grand protest against Bush's anti-gay marriage stance was not attending the State of the Union address.


Bardiac said...

Pure brilliance. The orange vest! Copies of Curious George for when uncle George comes to visit. The pre-prepared change of names forms.

Made me laugh!

Anonymous said...


Britney's pussycat may be out of the bag, but one could only hope that she'd put that thang back in its box.

I mean, think of the children!

Oh my, this just gets worse and worse, doesn't it...?

Anonymous said...


Britney's pussycat may be out of the bag, but one could only hope that she'd put that thang back in its box.

I mean, think of the children!

Oh my, this just gets worse and worse, doesn't it...?

Anonymous said...


Britney's pussycat may be out of the bag, but one could only hope that she'd put that thang back in its box.

I mean, think of the children!

Oh my, this just gets worse and worse, doesn't it...?

Anonymous said...


Britney's pussycat may be out of the bag, but one could only hope that she'd put that thang back in its box.

I mean, think of the children!

Oh my, this just gets worse and worse, doesn't it...?

Anonymous said...

Yikes. Sorry for all the multiple posts... the browser kept timing out.

ChristopherM said...

Antonio & GP, please also note that Aunt Mary didn't just actively work for the campaign the way anyone would for their parent. She was a PAID employee. Six figures to advance an agenda that surpresses all of our rights. Apparently dignity does have a purchase price for some people.

Anonymous said...

Maybe Brangelina will adopt the Cheney spawn. Then they'd have a white baby, a black baby, an Asian baby, and a Republican baby. If they adopt you after that, GP, they'll have their Latino baby and They Are The World! Hot.

Anonymous said...

Mebbe we'll all get lucky and she'll realize that she wants the world to be a BETTER place for her baby.
And if not, I hope baby Cheney gets to pick Granddaddy's nursing home.
Oh yeah, and baby wipes are good for many things - they get ANY stain out. Keep them around for pre- AND post- clean up.

GayProf said...

Chad: I was never convinced that she had actually been invited to the State of the Union.

Bardiac: Thanks for stopping by my little bloggy.

Seeker: Commenting has been a nightmare on blogspot recently -- Especially on the "beta" sites.

Christopher: Good point -- Much like her appointment at Coors, she was literally willing to profit off of the humiliation of other queer people.

Helen: I think that I would rather be adopted by Madonna. Only, though, if she violates local, federal, and international laws to do so.

Anonymous said...

I feel sorry for the kid. Holidays with the grandparents never seemed more sinister.

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