Sunday, December 31, 2006

Be Resolved, 2007

Last year I was too emotionally exhausted to make my own New Year’s resolutions. This year, it just seems like a lot of work. All that self-improvement takes so much effort. You have to decide what elements about you need fixing and come up with some type of tangible plan to accomplish the repair. That could really interfere with my having a good time.

I figure I am better off taking the next year’s wild ride as it appears. Fate will be the guiding force. Well, maybe not just fate. Liquor and Xanax will play significant roles as well.

Deciding New Year’s Resolutions for other people proved much more satisfying last year. So much so, I think that I will repeat it. For me, deciding resolutions for people feels like community service. At least, that’s what I would tell the judge.

George Bush, Jr.

    Oh, George, last year we talked about a resolution for you to learn to read. I even tried to set you up with the whole Hooked on Phonics library. This really hasn’t been your year, though. Your war in Iraq keeps deteriorating and you obstinately refuse to face the facts. Of course, probably the illiteracy makes it harder for you to even learn the facts.

    Everybody knows that you are failure. You know it; I know it; the American people know it. Even Gerald Ford recognized that invading Iraq would have disastrous consequences. Now, I don’t mean to disrespect the recently dead, but Ford didn’t have a reputation of being a super-genius. Lyndon Johnson used to say, “The problem with Gerald Ford is that he played football before they required helmets.” Yet, even Ford thought you to be a bit dim.

    George, make this the year that you resign the presidency. Really, you spend most of your time on vacation anyway. Don’t resign, though, before you fire Cheney. That way, our good friend Nancy Pelosi can be President. Wouldn't that be nice?

Hillary Clinton

    Resolve not to run for president. I have nothing against you really. In fact, you would probably make a competent president. Let’s be honest, though, anybody would look like a political genius following the disaster that is Bush, Jr.

    Really, Hillary, you just can’t win the presidency. People on the right hate you. Now, I don’t mean that they find you mildly annoying. I mean they confuse you with a little demon-like creature.

    This means you would be unelectable. Taking the Democratic Party’s nomination would cripple the party. Plus, some of your political positions kinda annoyed me over the past few years. Taking a hard anti-video-game stance? That’s just lame, Hillary. Talk about pandering.

    You are a young woman. I recommend becoming a power-house in the Senate. You know, under the Constitution, the Senate should be one of the most powerful government bodies. If you play your cards right, you could reign there indefinitely. Why not be a Senate kingpin? Doing so would also mean that people would no longer talk about your never-ending-change of hairstyles. Nobody seems to care what senators look like.

Ronald Moore

    Resolve to refocus Battlestar Galactica back on the human struggle to survive. Don’t get me wrong. This season brought some of the best episodes so far. In particular, exploring the ethics of suicide-bombing made for some darn good television. We also had a little fun looking into the Cylon baseships. The hybrid has all intrigued.

    Now, though, scale back a bit. Two things will destroy this show (and the fans seem to be in constant fear of the show falling apart): 1) Reaching earth and 2) Having the Cylons lose their edge. Only an idiot would do number one (*cough *Galactica: 1980* cough*). As for the second, you are treading close to the edge, Ronny. On one hand, the Cylons can’t be a mystery forever. On the other hand, the more we know about the Cylons, the less interesting they become for the show. Keep an eye on it.

Mary Cheney

    Resolve to get that spine transplant. Mary, I know that I have been critical of you in the year 2006. You earned it, girl. With all of your hypocrisy and smug dismissal of other queer folk. Not to mention your face looks like you have been washing with Comet.

    Let’s make a fresh start, though, in 2007. Right now, you are carrying around a human-worm-larvae. Personally, I have never understood the desire to have children. Apparently, though, you wanted one. So be it. Prove that your baby’s mama isn’t a fool.

    The evil right-wing Christians have attacked you and your baby since the day you sent out announcements. In you little book, you trashed lefty-gay-activists. Yet, those very same lefty-gay-activists have been the only ones supporting your selfish ass for the past few months. Now it’s time for you to step up and defend your own damn family.

Wonder Woman

    Resolve to reclaim your costume from that annoying skank Donna Troy. Okay, you needed a little time off to recoup. Killing Maxwell Lord gave you a bit of an ethical conundrum. Paradise Island’s disappearance into another dimension, yet again, couldn’t have been easy.

    After all that, anybody would need to reassess their life with a bit of solitude. Taking a year to swim in the big pool of Diana seemed reasonable. You got a new haircut, slipped on a white jumpsuit, and contemplated the meaning of life.

    At some point, though, all good Amazons take charge of their lives again. With Batman’s help, you have your Diana Prince alias back. Now it’s time to slip on that golden bustier and red-and-white boots and kick a little mortal ass. I am just sayin’.


    Resolve to sell my Texas house. Sure, you could spend your time cruising the earth curing sickness or ending wars. Selling my house, though, involves me. Therefore it really, really matters.

    Finally dumping that house would end my long financial nightmare and be the last bit to rid me of the repugnant Liar Ex (Who Told Many Lies). Can’t you swing a little divine intervention for a queer-brown-eyed boy?

    If not, maybe it’s time to kick a little mortal ass. That pope guy sure seems to need a Virgin-smack-down. I am just sayin’.

Queer Community

    Resolve to make this a year of honesty. Certainly 2006 exposed some prominent queer liars: Ted Haggard, Mark Foley, Sesame Street’s Burt. Telling lies benefits nobody in the end, except yourself. Even then, it usually makes things much worse.

    Are you frustrated by the way that your local, state, and national community views queer people? You have the ability to alter that view by being up-front about your sexual desires. The easiest and best strategy for making the world safer for queers is still being honest, out, and open about our sexual identities. Yet, it still is news.

    Now, I know it’s not easy. If you are feeling daunted or alone, though, remember that I am on your side. With GayProf around, things just seem less scary.


Will said...

My very best to you for a great 2007!

Anonymous said...

Happy New Year to my favorite gay prof. May your brilliance and hilarity continue all through this and every year. Muah!

Anonymous said...

That's a great idea--making resolutions for other people! But maybe you should have made everyone's first one "do what GayProf says".

Have a great 2007! (So far, it's going pretty well here.....)

Anonymous said...

Amen- to your comments about Hillary. Here in Michigan, people either love her or hate her.

Earl Cootie said...

GayProf - Resolve to get out of Texas permanently. Not that it doesn't make for enlightening reading, but we all want you to be happy. Really. We do.

Doug said...

GayProf, the reason resolutions are so difficult for you is that you can't improve on perfection.

May all your wishes come true in 2007. Happy New Year!

Anonymous said...

And a happy 2007 to ye.

My resolution for you, GP... would be to secure some kind of tenured position in any state other than TX. You and the Lone Star State just don't seem to have the right chemistry, from what I have been privileged to read here thus far.

On Bush: Though I think (for probably quite different reasons than you do) that he is unqualified to be a president of a Rotary Club, much less a sovereign state that had until the second year of his first term had enjoyed a reasonably respectable reputation in the Earth... I am *pretty sure* he knows how to read.

In my opinion, his problem is communicating back to people.

No offense to any Rotarians in nere, btw. :)

However, I hold that he should stay in office until the end of his term, until he can hand it off to someone with a somewhat bigger brain than he, say, like... Newt Gringrich.

The idea of a "President Pelosi" being only two heartbeats from the Oval Office though, scares me in a bad way, at least in my fiscally and foreign-policy conservative bones.

Hillary: Having suffered as a constituent - I'll agree w/ you that she should not be a presidential candidate. Furthermore, she should consider retiring after her term concludes in 2012.

But the hard, cold reality is that we all know that she will hang on like Ted Kennedy and his liver for the next 126 years as a perma-Senator.

Ronald Moore: Way to plug the next half of season three with the "one is a Cylon". I think he hath a narrow path to tread... and as much as we would like our closet Cylon to be someone predictable like Baltar... I think Ron's smarter than that.

Watch it be someone totally unexpected like Spec. Cally or that kid (Jammer) who got spaced for being a collaborator earlier this season.

Mary Cheney:

Human-worm-larvae? Yeek. It's a tiny human life growing inside her, not a grub or a tapeworm. You make it sound as if her having a baby is like having a disease.

Wonder Woman: erm. I'll pass on that one.

Guadalupe: I'll pass on this one too, as opening a debate on her divinity is waaaay too thorny for this reply. But I'll offer that you might be entreating the wrong saint.

There is a lady making some serious $$$ selling St. Jude kits. Apparently they work: you bury the St. Jude statue upside-down in your front lawn, and the property usually sells within a month. Afterwards, you are supposed to dig up the subterranean saint and place him on the mantle (or similar place of honour) in your new home, and do some kind of veneration.

Queer Community:

Coming out - though it is refreshing to note that Bert has finally come clean (or was he outted by Oscar the Trash-Can Grouch? )...

it may not be for every queer. Particularly for some folks whose job or family are high risks for alienating due to particularly sensitive economic or social circumstances - coming out, much less demanding public acceptance (in quarters where the population is markedly more socially conservative than the national average) for one's sexual choices, may not be for everyone. Just sayin'. :)

tornwordo said...

Happy new year to you. I hope Mary gets that spine this year.

Anonymous said...

A most excellent post, GayProf! And, Happy New Year!

Anonymous said...

Happy New Year baby!
Resolve to get your ass to New York in 2007!

SouthernJubilee said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
SouthernJubilee said...

Donna Troy, an "annoying skank"? *swoon, faint*

Anonymous said...

I hope Ron Moore reads your requests. I mean, sure, we've had some good eps. this season, but we've also had two of the worst: the boxing ep. and the one before it. I swear I'm going to have to drive up to the Vancouver set and knock some sense into those writers.

Anonymous said...

I wish for you to have a wild ride of a year with all thrills and no fear (you know, like a roller coaster, but with air bags).

Happy New Year Gay Prof.

Elizabeth McClung said...

I hope divine intervention occurs regarding your house - meaning cash buyer who wants to pay 10% more than the asking price if they can move in right away. Happy returns.

Antonio said...

Happy New Year!

As an unabashed nerd, I definitely agree with your comments about Hillary Clinton. Quit trying to censor speech you coattails-riding wench. The only concern is who else could possibly beat John McCain, but there are way too many factors at this point to start guessing.

Anonymous said...

Believe it or not, Antonio... there are a few of us conservatives who are scared to death at the prospect of a McCain presidency (although slightly less so than a Pelosi or a Hillary presidency).

vuboq said...

Happy 2007!

A friend of mine is a reporter assigned to cover Hillary's campaign. I keep telling him to try to convince her not to run. LIke you, I think she is too devisive. I like most of her politics though :-)

Anonymous said...

I sooooo agree with you on Mary Cheney, but not Hillary. I think she can win. I saw her beat the odds in New York. She is underestimated!

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