Sunday, May 13, 2007

Summertime and the Livin' is Easy

My few days with my mother in Boston were nice. I am really glad that she came for a trip. I give props to Huntington and V.U.B.O.Q.for suggesting much more clever monikers for the mother of GayProf. Of course, the obvious decision of naming my mother after Wonder Woman’s mother (Queen Hippolyte) didn’t seem to occur to anybody. Clearly I need to work harder for you all to confuse me with the amazing amazon.

My time as a loaned scholar is coming to an end as well. This means that I need to make my plans for this summer. Here are the things that I need to accomplish by the time the Fall Semester starts:

    *Travel to Midwestern Funky Town and obtain a place to live.

    *Stop the song “Funky Town” from playing over and over in my head.

    *Return to Texas one last time to pack up my office there and retrieve my car.

    *Instead of flipping off the senior faculty in Texas who were mean to me, take the gracious route of merely acknowledging that I am off to a far better place than they will ever know.

    *Write a lengthy letter to the MBTA outlining why their service was often inadequate. Explain, in particular, how buses are not a legitimate substitute for a subway line (nor should it all be legal to call any bus a “line” as if it were one). Come to the frustrating realization that Boston public transport is designed for people who have a car, but prefer not to use it, rather than people who don’t have a car at all.

    *Express shock at the new stories that I have heard about my former Texas institution which include a) junior women faculty being harassed b) a white senior faculty member calling on an African-American student in his class and asking him to “speak ebonics” for the rest of the (mostly white) class and c) a deans office that is in chaos.

    *While in Texas, reconnect with a Sassy friend and resume drinking wine while sitting on her couch.

    *Find new ways to thank Guadalupe that I will not be returning to Texas.

    *Come to grips with the fact that I am actually going to have to teach again. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the teaching part of being a professor. Still, after over 18 months out of the classroom, it’s hard to remember that teaching is a key part of my job description. . . allegedly.

    *Experiment with more efficient ways to fold fitted sheets.

    *Complete the never-ending research project of doom.

    *Solve world hunger (Heck, I have a better chance of this one than finishing the never-ending research project of doom).

    *Consider which of Dante’s circles of hell will host George W. Bush after his death. My current theory is that he will replace Cassius in the mouth of Satan where he will perpetually be chewed for all eternity.

    *Convince Anderson Cooper to come out of the closet -- 'cuz I don't date people who are in the closet. By "date," I really mean "stalk."

    *Explain to my non-comic blogreaders the critical difference between Wonder Woman and Supergirl (not to mention the difference between Wonder Woman and the non-entity Superwoman). Come on people – Get on the trolley.

    *Be grateful that I don’t have to teach summer school this year.

    *Replace my incandescent bulbs with energy-efficient fluorescent bulbs in an effort to battle global warming.

    *Become horrified by how haggard and old I look under the harsh glow of fluorescent light. Decide to screw the environment and switch back to the soft, youthful glow of incandescent bulbs.

    *Avoid seeing the new Spiderman movie as if it would give me glaucoma.

    *Add an additional ten pounds to my bench press – and/or stop buying the ten-pound bag of M&M’s.

    *Seduce a radical Christian thereby making sin his new master.

    *Rekindle my appreciation for Dib.

    *Briefly consider why nude beaches always attract the people who really shouldn’t be naked in public – or in private.

    *Enjoy refreshing TaB cola.

    *See a doctor about that sharp pain in my kidney – which I am sure is totally unrelated to the TaB drinking.

    *Travel to New York City.

    *Figure out ways to convince people that being a professor is a glamours career choice.

    *Decide if this will be the first summer in over a decade that I get more than a farmer’s tan.

    *Find a moving company to pack and haul all my crap to Midwestern Funky Town.

    *Come to terms with the fact that I will choose the wrong moving company and probably never see my crap again.

    *Lose a weekend in Provincetown.

    *Commemorate my 33rd Birthday with a specially designed Franklin Mint collector plate. Remember: Not all commemorative plates in the Center of Gravitas collection go up in value. Some may go down.

    *Mourn my departure from Boston.

    *Celebrate my arrival in Midwestern Funky Town – a town to keep me movin’, keep me groovin’ with some energy. . .

This is quite a list. I better get started tomorrow. Well, maybe not tomorrow. Tomorrow I want to learn how to make hash-browns. After that, though, I am so on this list.


vuboq said...

I am *so* excited that you are moving to MidWestern Funky Town!!! Don't be afraid to contact the SuperFantastic Cuz if you have questions. Really.

And, I am refraining from making any comments on the value of the Center of Gravitas "going down." *cough*


dykewife said...

wow! you have a really long list of things to accomplish this summer. Do you really think that sticking your thumbs in your ears while blowing a raspberry is an inappropriate way of saying farewell to the faculty to be called "former co-workers."

have fun with the move and i hope your summer is le plus tres relaxing (to be said with the appropriate pepe le pew french accent)

au revoir

Margaret said...

Mmm, GayProf, at some point I must convince you to divulge your Top Secret location. The Midwest is a big place, you know, so I have no idea if you'll be anywhere near me...

Earl Cootie said...

Can't you just affix the M&M's to the weight bar? If you center it properly and snip a corner off the bag, you'll be able to reward yourself while you lift. And the load will get lighter at the same time! Plus! Sugar = Energy. Win-win-win.

Alan Williams said...

Hi there....

My thesis director tuned me in to your blog, and I've been enjoying your posts. I just had to say, though, that I think it's interesting you're going to a Midwestern university that's apparently near Chicago, considering I start at Illinois State in the fall.

Scary. Two gay comic book collecting academics (I'll be working on my PhD, so I'm a bit behind you) in the Midwest has got to cause a collapse of reality, hasn't it...?

Anonymous said...

We in the midwest, welcome you GP. Watch out for competing gravitas in that town. It comes in the shape of a football.

pacalaga said...

I always assumed that Satan would just swallow GW whole and that he'd get stuck on the way out - level 10.
Oh yeah, and natural beeswax candles have the softest glow of all (and some of us need that more than you do).

Red said...

I'm up to a whopping 65 pounds on the bench press (plus a couple reps at 85 pounds). It is humbling.

Will you be making the blogger rounds when you visit New York?

Spend more than a weekend in Provincetown. It will never again be as easy or as cheap for you to get there. Fast access to Provincetown by ferry is one of the few things I miss about Boston.

Earnest English said...

Gravitas comes to the Midwest! Hmmm. A football town. Could it be? Look. Up in sky. It's a bird. It's a plane. Could it be GayProf? For this Grad City, I certainly hope so. Of course, midwest football towns are probably a dime a dozen.

Btw, this list makes me tired. I think now that you've gone to all the trouble of making the list, now you deserve to rest. How about a drinkie?

Anonymous said...

convince anderson cooper to come out? even the vatican will have to recognize that as a miracle. bless you saint gayprof.

Josh said...

So, I won't disagree that the Silver Line to Dudley Square is no good. And maybe ditto for the 39 bus, which replaced the end of the E Line.

But I think the airport/courthouse/etc. branch of the silver line is A-OK. Better than the B line, at least. All you really need is a separate lane with defined stops and I don't care if you have a bus, subway, trolley, mulecart, whatever

GayProf said...

VUBOQ: I look forward to meeting SuperFanastic Cuz. Perhaps VUBOQ will also make a return trip to Midwestern Funky Town.

DykeWife:Your comment sounds so final -- I'll still be around blogging (as much as I usually do).

MaggieMay: Check your e-mail.

Earl: I am not sure there is room for the M&M's on the weight bar given the liquor dispenser that I installed.

Alan: I will be relatively close to Illinois State, but closer still to Chicago.

Marlan: I went to grad school at a university that probably has the most devoted (and certainly the most profitable) football team. It's sad that I find all sports so damn boring, especially football.

Pacalaga: Actually, I am just better off in the dark.

Tom: Yes to blogger rounds in NYC. I will be there at the end of this month.

Earnest: Alas, I don't think that we are in the same location.

Sammuel: Well, I do have the golden lasso of truth at my disposal...

Josh: I am annoyed by the silver line (which is not a line -- Call it an express bus, which is what it really is) because it came as a means to half-assedly live up to the MBTA's promise to provide more T service to poorer areas. It doesn't seem to accomplish this goal.

Besides the silver line, most of the rest of the bus system is far over taxed. Somerville, in particular, has finally put its foot down and said "No more fucking buses -- Extend the damn green line." I will be surprised if this actually happens, though.

Keep in mind, though, that I complain in a way that still appreciates actually having public transport. Texas was firmly against such ideas. My former town had zero (o) options for public transit. They weren't even willing to provide buses.

Mercy O. Warren said...

gayprof, there is always space for you on sassy's couch...and in her heart.

remind ms. sassy when your jesus b-day is? her phone had a meltdown and lost lots of important information.


Anonymous said...

Somewhere I picked up a tip to fold fitted sheets--each time you make a fold, tuck the edges into the fitted corners. This has been helpful for me (though it's hard to describe).

Good luck with the move!

Artistic Soul said...

Do people really confuse Wonder Woman and Supergirl? That baffles me!

I finally got around to doing your meme...late, I know...but the semester, yada, yada...

evilganome said...

You lost your appreciation for Dib! I have to go take a lie down. Obviously, Invader blood does not march through your veins like giant rubber pants.

Roger Owen Green said...

Curse you, GP. I've got that song stuck in my head. "Won't you take me to..."

dykewife said...

'tisn't final, you mentioned that you had little to do other than your i figured having a nice relaxing summer would be a good thing. besides, if you ceased to blog i'd have to come down there and poke you with something like a swizzel stick (which is apparently very difficult to find in utah)

r said...

I was just thinking today that I couldn't believe a year has gone by since you and cat made the drive out to Boston.

Like the sands of an hourglass...these are the days of our lives.

GayProf said...

Mercy O. Warren: Not the secret, sacred phone of life!

Dance: I have heard this advice before, but I am not sure that I ever quite get it. Tuck them into each other? Doesn't that just make it into a big ball?

Wiccachicky: I can't believe that people confuse Wonder Woman with Supergirl (or Superwoman) either. Clearly they did not watch enough t.v. and/or read enough comic books as children. It's a shame when the education system goes so wrong.

Evilganome: Lemony fresh victory shall be mine!

ROG: Well, I talk about it, talk about it, talk about it, talk about movin'...

DykeWife: On an unrelated note, if you do go to Utah you get the best service possible in bars. So few people avail them of their services that they are very excited when you order a cocktail.

Rebekah: I know! A whole year! It doesn't seem possible. Alas, I am no closer to my goal of attaining control of the earth and ruling with an iron fist...

Steven said...

Not certain if Chicago would qualify as a Midwestern funky town, but regardless of your destination I hope it is a smooth transition with no bumps in the road. And that list would take me at least 18 months to complete. Good luck! ;-)

Population One said...

Be sure to let me know about the fitted sheets, would ya?

Elizabeth McClung said...

You don't have to do much to convince people being a professor is a glamorous life since in this blog, you headed from Texas to Boston and talked about watching porn - I think most people would consider that a good job move.

Is there anyway in your trip back to texas you can get with some friend and have one last gigantic "b*tch session" about all the ills of Texas (which people who haven't lived there for so long wouldn't get, or at least say with such passion)?

tornwordo said...

I hope funky means something positive, as opposed to the "this smells funky!" meaning, lol.