Summer Can't Last Too Long

Okay – I am not inclined to have the last post as the “most current” one at CoG, particularly since I don’t update like I used to update. The whole queer blogosphere needs to move forward and allow time to work its magic potion of forgetfulness.

In the meantime, I thought that since summer is over half over we could check in with the plans that I made for myself way back in May. How much has GayProf accomplished? Here are the goals that I wrote and how far I have come:

* Complete the Never Ending Research Project of Doom. Yeah, this has been on my list consistently. This time, though, I really mean it.

Progress is being made – Edits being accomplished. Will I make it in time? Ugh -- So much stress! We'll keep this one in the "active" file.

* Ruthlessly exploit friends and colleagues by having them proofread drafts of the Never Ending Research Project of Doom.

Sadly, two of my friends are now blind, one is institutionalized, and at least five others won’t return my calls or e-mails. And yet I am still finding typos. Ugh.

* Invent a new cocktail and name it the Gravitas.

I am thinking of making this into a blog contest. What do you think? Otherwise, I do have a cocktail idea in mind.

* Attend an all-day meeting to discuss matters deemed critical for the direction of my academic department.

Yes, I did this thing. It really was all day long. The good news: They served lunch. The bad news: The lunch did not include cyanide.

* Single-handedly heal the wounds of the Democratic Party once they finally decide on a candidate. The key will be baking enough delicious Bundt cake for everybody.

You know the effects of that delicious Bundt cake would take effect sooner if Obama would stop swinging to the right.

* Lose eight pounds. I am at that awkward stage where my regular clothes are a tad tight, but my fat clothes are still too large.

Hey, I actually accomplished one of these goals! Eight pounds and more have been shed thanks to my secret diet plan: Strep Throat.

* Take my Honda Civic for much needed service. It’s odd that at the point that I finally paid it off, I decided to see if I could destroy it by not bothering to get its oil changed.

My Civic is fully serviced with a top lube job. Huh – It’s funny how the metaphor for sexual activities still sounds sexual even when it's not a metaphor.

* Quash my environmentally dubious desire to purchase the insanely hot Dodge Challenger. I am not ashamed to say that I would probably have sex with that car. I would do it on camera too as long as I could keep the car afterwards.

Well, gas reaching $4.26 in MFT probably did kill some of the desire. Still, it is a hot car. Nobody from Chrysler has yet to approach me about that video deal.

* Vigorously shake working-class whites until they realize that the Republican Party is their worst enemy.

See my comment about the Bundt cake.

* Spend ample time in the sun to obtain a much needed tan and to stave off rickets.

I got a tan – Then it faded. Then I got a new tan, then I got strep throat. Now I don’t have the leisure time to restore the tan once again. So, I think that I have staved off rickets, but have a slight problem with skin cancer. And I still don't have a rosy glow.

* Travel to New Mexico for research purposes.

Ugh – When will I have time for this? This might be pushed into the fall. And it would so help my tan, too!

* Enjoy refreshing TaB cola.

It’s TaB-ilicious. Ow, my kidneys!

* Enjoy even more refreshing tequila.

If you are thinking about a potential Gravitas cocktail recipe, let me offer some advice: TaB and tequila do not mix. Actually, I think that combination produces a toxic vapor.


* Travel to Philadelphia and New Jersey for an event on my mother’s side of my family.

I did this as well. Good times were had by all. I also learned that the Midwest is not the only part of this empire nation that is crumbling and falling apart. I am amazed that a bridge didn’t land on our car as we were driving.

* Contemplate just how much worse traveling by air will become if we allow Delta and Northwest Airlines to merge. Do we even remember that this nation once had anti-trust laws?

I wrote this before they started charging for baggage. The airlines are screwing us. If they raised their fairs a little bit, instead of charging for baggage, it would be a temporary raise in price. Once they go down the road of charging for such “frills” as baggage, however, it will never be revoked. Let’s start trimming the salaries of those CEO's. They are the ones who drove their companies into bankruptcy, why are they still making so much money?

* Solve the mystery at Lilac Inn.

The maid did it. Now I am off to Red Gate Farm.



* Use my federal tax stimulus check to buy a single week’s worth of gasoline.

Sometimes I forget that I can be pretty funny on this blog. That check couldn’t possibly stretch far enough to buy an entire week’s worth of gasoline.

* Update CoG more often (Unlikely if I want to accomplish the first thing on this list).

Um – Pass. Next item...

* Remind the nation that allowing John McCain to assume the presidency would be to install somebody who has no moral conscious; enjoys war as a pastime; voted against the federal holiday honoring Martin Luther King, Jr.; has promised to continue the disastrous economic policies of the Bush presidency; and smells like Bengay.

Alas, I would still take a right-wing Obama over a right-wing (and incompetent) John McCain.

Hey, nation, John McCain literally doesn’t know how to turn on a computer. This is no joke. Use a mouse? Forget about it. Do you really think that he is touch with the lives of working Americans? Or this economy? Wake up and smell the old person.



* Watch films that center on an alcoholic industrialist with a metal suit; a cowled misanthrope with abandonment issues; and an aged archeologist who probably also smells like Bengay at this point.

I saw one of the three films listed here.

* Wonder aloud about why Gwyneth Paltrow has a screen career. Conclude that it has to do with the U.S.’s incredibly low standards for acting.

Unfortunately, the one film of the three that I saw involved Gwyneth Paltrow.

* Change my currency into something less likely to lose its value than the U.S. dollar – Like the Colombian peso.

Well, I am going to need to do this before going to New York. I think that they only accept Euros there now.

* Purchase a new bed and/or couch – Depending on whether I imagine that I will have more house guests or overnight guests.

I decided I should look for a couch that turns into a bed.

* Laugh at the fact that the media/government is trying to spin the loss of jobs in the economy as a sign of growth. Hey, we didn’t shed as many jobs as we expected, so things are looking up. That’s a great strategy that I am going to start using with my credit card companies. Hey, my check wasn’t nearly as late as I thought that it would be, so, really, we are ahead.

I would laugh, if only I wasn’t living in a state with crushing unemployment. You might have heard of my state's new license-plate motto: The Land that Democrats Forgot.

* Completely redesign the syllabus for one of my fall classes (Unlikely if I want to accomplish the first thing on this list).

Looking over my evaluations for my classes from last term, I noticed that students complained about the reading load. Huh – Maybe I shouldn’t have increased the number of books that I am assigning in the Fall.

* Wrestle control of the Federal Reserve Board away from the incompetent and dangerous Ben S. Bernanke and the other conservative white men who currently staff it (Yep, all conservative white men on the Fed – Nobody else seems to have noticed that).

Hey, nation, did you know that the Federal Reserve Board is supposed to have seven (7) members? Did you also know that the current Board only has five (5) members (one of whom's term has expired)? In the midst of an economic crisis, do we really think this is a good idea to be short staffed? I mean, couldn't we call a temp agency or something?

* Spend some quality time playing with my Mego Wonder Woman doll.

I like her blue wrap-around dress the best.



* Convince my friends that spending quality time playing with my Mego Wonder Woman doll is not evidence of the long anticipated mental breakdown.

I could be more convincing if I hadn’t made that statement about her blue dress -- or if I wasn't in the middle of a long anticipated mental breakdown.

* Celebrate the genius of Dolly Parton.

Why – WHY? – Why didn’t I go with my friends and see her when she was in Decaying Midwestern Urban Center? Damn you, NERPoD. Damn you!

* Be grateful to Guadalupe that I don’t have to move this year (unlike the previous three years).

I am grateful. Man, I haven’t finished unpacking from the last move.

* Start a movement to finally dump the 1789 Constitution and replace it with a parliamentary form of government for the U.S.

Maybe I’ll stick with reforming the Federal Reserve for the time being.

School's Out for Summer

Summer is upon us. Well, not technically – That won’t officially start until June 21. Given that my life is dictated by the nine month academic calendar rather than the actual calendar, it has already started for me. Screw the solstice.

This leads to my annual list of things that I must accomplish in the coming months. Here are items that must be done by September 2:

* Complete the Never Ending Research Project of Doom. Yeah, this has been on my list consistently. This time, though, I really mean it.

* Ruthlessly exploit friends and colleagues by having them proofread drafts of the Never Ending Research Project of Doom.

* Attend an all-day meeting to discuss matters deemed critical for the direction of my academic department.

* Struggle not to slit my wrists out of boredom while attending an all-day meeting to discuss matters deemed critical for the direction of my academic department.

* Single-handedly heal the wounds of the Democratic Party once they finally decide on a candidate. The key will be baking enough delicious Bundt cake for everybody.

* Lose eight pounds. I am at that awkward stage where my regular clothes are a tad tight, but my fat clothes are still too large.

* Take my Honda Civic for much needed service. It’s odd that at the point that I finally paid it off, I decided to see if I could destroy it by not bothering to get its oil changed.

* Quash my environmentally-dubious desire to purchase the insanely hot Dodge Challenger. I am not ashamed to say that I would probably have sex with that car. I would do it on camera too as long as I could keep the car afterwards.



* Vigorously shake working-class whites until they realize that the Republican Party is their worst enemy.

* Spend ample time in the sun to obtain a much needed tan and to stave off rickets.

* Invent a new cocktail and name it the Gravitas.

* Travel to New Mexico for research purposes.

* Seek medical treatment for guaranteed heat stroke while in New Mexico.

* Enjoy refreshing TaB cola.

* Enjoy even more refreshing tequila.



* Travel to Philadelphia and New Jersey for an event on my mother’s side of my family.

* Contemplate just how much worse traveling by air will become if we allow Delta and Northwest Airlines to merge. Do we even remember that this nation once had anti-trust laws?

* Solve the mystery at Lilac Inn.

* Use my federal tax stimulus check to buy a single week’s worth of gasoline.

* Update CoG more often (Unlikely if I want to accomplish the first thing on this list).

* Remind the nation that allowing John McCain to assume the presidency would be to install somebody who has no moral conscious; enjoys war as a pastime; voted against the federal holiday honoring Martin Luther King, Jr.; has promised to continue the disastrous economic policies of the Bush presidency; and smells like Bengay.


* Watch films that center on an alcoholic industrialist with a metal suit; a cowled misanthrope with abandonment issues; and an aged archeologist who probably also smells like Bengay at this point.

* Wonder aloud about why Gwyneth Paltrow has a screen career. Conclude that it has to do with the U.S.’s incredibly low standards for acting.

* Change my currency into something less likely to lose its value than the U.S. dollar – Like the Colombian peso.

* Purchase a new bed and/or couch – Depending on whether I imagine that I will have more house guests or overnight guests.

* Laugh at the fact that the media/government is trying to spin the loss of jobs in the economy as a sign of growth. Hey, we didn’t shed as many jobs as we expected, so things are looking up. That’s a great strategy that I am going to start using with my credit card companies. Hey, my check wasn’t nearly as late as I thought that it would be, so, really, we are ahead.

* Completely redesign the syllabus for one of my fall classes (Unlikely if I want to accomplish the first thing on this list).

* Wrestle control of the Federal Reserve Board away from the incompetent and dangerous Ben S. Bernanke and the other conservative white men who currently staff it (Yep, all conservative white men on the Fed – Nobody else seems to have noticed that).

* Spend some quality time playing with my Mego Wonder Woman doll.



* Convince my friends that spending quality time playing with my Mego Wonder Woman doll is not evidence of the long anticipated mental breakdown.

* Celebrate the genius of Dolly Parton.

* Be grateful to Guadalupe that I don’t have to move this year (unlike the previous three years).

* Start a movement to finally dump the 1789 Constitution and replace it with a parliamentary form of government for the U.S. Why do we cling to a document that stated that some individuals only count for three-fifths of a person? Why do we tolerate a system where one person, one vote is not the standard? We have the technology to rebuild it. We can make it better, stronger, faster.

Summertime and the Livin' is Easy

My few days with my mother in Boston were nice. I am really glad that she came for a trip. I give props to Huntington and V.U.B.O.Q.for suggesting much more clever monikers for the mother of GayProf. Of course, the obvious decision of naming my mother after Wonder Woman’s mother (Queen Hippolyte) didn’t seem to occur to anybody. Clearly I need to work harder for you all to confuse me with the amazing amazon.

My time as a loaned scholar is coming to an end as well. This means that I need to make my plans for this summer. Here are the things that I need to accomplish by the time the Fall Semester starts:

*Travel to Midwestern Funky Town and obtain a place to live.

*Stop the song “Funky Town” from playing over and over in my head.

*Return to Texas one last time to pack up my office there and retrieve my car.

*Instead of flipping off the senior faculty in Texas who were mean to me, take the gracious route of merely acknowledging that I am off to a far better place than they will ever know.

*Write a lengthy letter to the MBTA outlining why their service was often inadequate. Explain, in particular, how buses are not a legitimate substitute for a subway line (nor should it all be legal to call any bus a “line” as if it were one). Come to the frustrating realization that Boston public transport is designed for people who have a car, but prefer not to use it, rather than people who don’t have a car at all.



*Express shock at the new stories that I have heard about my former Texas institution which include a) junior women faculty being harassed b) a white senior faculty member calling on an African-American student in his class and asking him to “speak ebonics” for the rest of the (mostly white) class and c) a deans office that is in chaos.

*While in Texas, reconnect with a Sassy friend and resume drinking wine while sitting on her couch.

*Find new ways to thank Guadalupe that I will not be returning to Texas.

*Come to grips with the fact that I am actually going to have to teach again. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the teaching part of being a professor. Still, after over 18 months out of the classroom, it’s hard to remember that teaching is a key part of my job description. . . allegedly.

*Experiment with more efficient ways to fold fitted sheets.

*Complete the never-ending research project of doom.

*Solve world hunger (Heck, I have a better chance of this one than finishing the never-ending research project of doom).

*Consider which of Dante’s circles of hell will host George W. Bush after his death. My current theory is that he will replace Cassius in the mouth of Satan where he will perpetually be chewed for all eternity.

*Convince Anderson Cooper to come out of the closet -- 'cuz I don't date people who are in the closet. By "date," I really mean "stalk."

*Explain to my non-comic blogreaders the critical difference between Wonder Woman and Supergirl (not to mention the difference between Wonder Woman and the non-entity Superwoman). Come on people – Get on the trolley.





*Be grateful that I don’t have to teach summer school this year.

*Replace my incandescent bulbs with energy-efficient fluorescent bulbs in an effort to battle global warming.

*Become horrified by how haggard and old I look under the harsh glow of fluorescent light. Decide to screw the environment and switch back to the soft, youthful glow of incandescent bulbs.

*Avoid seeing the new Spiderman movie as if it would give me glaucoma.

*Add an additional ten pounds to my bench press – and/or stop buying the ten-pound bag of M&M’s.

*Seduce a radical Christian thereby making sin his new master.

*Rekindle my appreciation for Dib.



*Briefly consider why nude beaches always attract the people who really shouldn’t be naked in public – or in private.

*Enjoy refreshing TaB cola.

*See a doctor about that sharp pain in my kidney – which I am sure is totally unrelated to the TaB drinking.

*Travel to New York City.



*Figure out ways to convince people that being a professor is a glamours career choice.

*Decide if this will be the first summer in over a decade that I get more than a farmer’s tan.

*Find a moving company to pack and haul all my crap to Midwestern Funky Town.

*Come to terms with the fact that I will choose the wrong moving company and probably never see my crap again.

*Lose a weekend in Provincetown.

*Commemorate my 33^rd Birthday with a specially designed Franklin Mint collector plate. Remember: Not all commemorative plates in the Center of Gravitas collection go up in value. Some may go down.

*Mourn my departure from Boston.

*Celebrate my arrival in Midwestern Funky Town – a town to keep me movin’, keep me groovin’ with some energy. . .

This is quite a list. I better get started tomorrow. Well, maybe not tomorrow. Tomorrow I want to learn how to make hash-browns. After that, though, I am so on this list.