Thursday, June 28, 2007

I Haven't Done Jack in 33 Years . . . Or Steve, Either

My birthday week is upon us. In the future, I imagine this week will be marked by parades and bank closures. It will be a time when people throughout North America will gather and reflect on my existence. Of course, for those who follow the religion of CoG, my birthday will be one of the high-holy days. I expect that ceremonies will involve a ritual humming of the Charlie’s Angels theme song and maybe a game of bullets-and-bracelets.

Well, okay, maybe that isn’t exactly what is going to happen with my birthday in the future. Still, thinking about such things is far better than considering the Supreme Court’s decisions to limit our rights and to maintain a racist and class-biased education system. It’s also much better than thinking about the debacle that was called immigration “reform.” My fantasy world is a happier place – The sky is purple there.

In reality, however, the passing of my birthday in the next couple of days just means that I have turned thirty-three. Aging doesn’t particularly bother me (though I would like more hair and hope that hair which remains continues to linger). As always, though, I like to compare where I am with my life at thirty-three with where other people were at this same age:

    If I were Jacqueline Kennedy at age thirty-three, this would be my last year in the White House.

    If I were Jesus at age thirty-three, I would die this year.

    If I were Pierre Trudeau, I would be busy editing the journal Cité Libre.

    If I were Mary Richards, I would have moved to Minneapolis three years ago. This year, I would also cut my hair, thus ending the show in GayProf’s eyes (despite it going on for another four years). Long-haired Mary or nothing.

    If I were Emiliano Zapata, I would have issued my Plan de Ayala a year ago. My attention at thirty-three would be focused on trying to oust the military dictator Victoriano Huerta under my call for "Tierra y Libertad."

    If I were Pancho Villa, I would have another three years before I became instrumental in thwarting Huerta’s dictatorial ambitions.

    If I were Harvey Milk, it would be another 14 years before I became the first openly gay elected official in a major U.S. city.

    If I were James Dean, I would have been dead for nine years.

    If I were César Chávez, I would need another seven years before I founded the precursor to the UFW with Dolores Huerta.

    If I were Dolores Huerta, I would have founded the precursor to the UFW with César Chávez last year.

    If I were Rita Moreno, I would have won the Oscar for my portrayal of “Anita” in West Side Story three years ago.

    If I were Oscar Wilde, this would be the year that I started working for the Pall Mall Gazette.

    If I were Blake Harper, this would be the year that I win the GayVN award for “Gay Performer of the Year” for my diligent work in porn.

    If I were GayProf, this would be the year that I move to Midwestern Funky Town to start a new life – again.

    If I were Larry Hagman, I would be given the role of Anthony Nelson on the television show I Dream of Jeannie this year.

    If I were Hernán Cortés, I would launch Spain’s invasion of Mexico this year.

    If I were Thomas Jefferson, this would be the year that I draft the Declaration of Independence (much to the historical chagrin of forgotten Richard Henry Lee).

    If I were Che Guevara, I would be serving as Cuba’s Minister of Industries.

    If I were Marilyn Monroe, I would film Some Like it Hot at age 33.

    If I were George W. Bush, I would be a major failure and an embarrassment to all of humanity (this is true at any age).

    If I were Kate Jackson, I would have left Charlie’s Angels three years ago. It would be another two years before I starred in Scarecrow and Mrs. King.

    If I were Farrah Fawcett, I would have left Charlie’s Angels three years ago.

    If I were Jaclyn Smith, I would be the last of the “original” Charlie’s Angels still on the show.

    If I were either of my parents, I would already have three children. The youngest would be five years old (who would later grow up to be the most desirable man on the blogosphere).

    If I were the titular character in the song “Good Time Charlie’s Got the Blues,” my heart would keep tellin’ me that you’re not a kid at thirty-three.

    If I were Joaquin Murrieta, it would have been nine years since the California Rangers executed me. My head would currently be on display in a jar of brandy as a curiosity for interested Euro Americans willing to pay a buck.

    If I were Dolly Parton, I would start filming 9 to 5 this year.

    If I were William Shatner, it would be two years before I accepted the television role of Captain Kirk.

    If I were Captain Kirk, I would have been commanding the U.S.S. Enterprise for two years.

    If I were Billie Holiday, I would have just been released from jail for a conviction on drug charges. I would be banned from performing anywhere in New York for the rest of my life.

    If I were Walt Whitman, I would be busy writing the first edition of Leaves of Grass. It would be another three years before I would become world-famous with its publication.

    If I were Elvis Presley, this would be the year that I filmed my 1968 Comeback Special for NBC.

    If the people want me to be President of the United States, it will be another two years before that will be allowed by the Constitution.

    If I were Anne Bancroft, it would only be another three years before I played Mrs. Robinson in The Graduate (which is kinda depressing to think she was that young and considered over the hill).

    If I were Seth Green, this would be the year that I produced the special "Star Wars" episode of Robot Chicken.

    If I were Reies López Tijerina, I would send a letter to President Dwight Eisenhower asking that the Federal Government investigate the dispossession of Mexicans in New Mexico. It would be another three years before I founded La Alianza Federal de Mercedes.

    If I were Eva Perón, I would die this year.

    If I were Malcolm X, this would be the year that I married Betty. It would be another five years before I write my autobiography.

    If I were Brad Pitt, I would probably have better things to do than write lists about other people’s accomplishments at age 33. Actually, this might be true about everybody mentioned.

    If I were Freddie Mercury, this would be the year that I write the song “Crazy Little Thing Called Love.”

    If I were Wonder Woman, I would age another 2,458 years before joining Patriarch’s world to fight crime.


Earl Cootie said...

Happy birthweek, GayProf! If you were me at 33, you'd have already done Jack and Steve and Mark and Bob and most of the names in the blue side of the baby name book. But only twice. (Okay, more than twice with Bob, but he was worth it.)

Hey, you're now 3/4 of my age. Or from the other point of view, I'm 1/3 of your life older than you.

Dorian said...

Happy Birthday! If you were me at 33, you'd be eight months in the future.

Clio Bluestocking said...

Happy Birthday/week!

Unknown said...

If you were me at 33, you'd have just started a blog that would eventually aquaint you with GayProf.

Happy birthweek! :)

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday! If you were me at age 33, I have no idea what you'd be doing. But I'd hope both of us were happy at age 33 (and age 34 and age 35 and...)

As you can see from your readership, Gayprof appeals to all age groups.

jeremy said...

Yay! Cancer birthweek! In exactly one week from today, I will turn 31. I will have accomplised even less than you + one crazy case of crabs.

If you're in Seattle next Friday, stop by my bbq on the beach!

Population One said...

Happy Happy.

Doug said...

In honor of your birthday, I am dressed in my birthday suit as I write this comment. When's the party?!!!

tornwordo said...

Happy Birthday! That was a lot of research you did. I can't believe Anne Bancroft was only 36 when she played Mrs. Robinson. I got a good laugh out of the prize for "diligent work in porn."

Antonio said...

Happy Birthday! I had no idea Seth Green was in his 30s. I thought he was in his late 20s at the most.

It's an absolute shame you can't run for president. For one thing, you're a lot better than all of the maroons we have in office now. Secondly, the interns would be a lot hotter.

jaclyn said...

Happy birthday! I turned 30 Monday ... damn depressing. But 33 is a nice symmetrical number. :)

gwoertendyke said...

the jesus christo year, a major milestone....james dean's early death always depresses me.

if you were me at 33, you would be writing your dissertation, moving in with new lover, and just getting legally divorced. fabulously glamorous.

Marius said...

Happy Birthday! So . . . Anne Bancroft was only 36? Interesting. Anyway, I turn 30 in August, which is kind of a big deal for me. I hope you enjoy your special day, GayProf. :)

Clio Bluestocking said...

If you were me at 33, you would be having one of the best summers of your life involving a road trip back and forth across the country and two months in New York city (including one night with a tres hot French guy). Oh, and you'd be moving away from Texas!

Bigg said...

Happy Birthday, Gay Prof! You're still so very young... and still the most desirable blogger in the blogosphere, too.

Red said...

Happy birthday, GP. This will be your last palindromic birthday for 11 years. Make the most of it!

If you were me at 33, you would be thinking about starting a blog. If you were me now, you would be thnking about starting another blog.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Gayprof,
This is also my birthday week. It's too bad you're not here because we have a GIANT homemade chocolate cake at our house, which is only 1 1/2 blocks from your cute new house. Next year we can sip mint juleps together (julep cups were a bday gift this year) while C makes cake for us.

Lance Armstrong had won the Tour de France 6 times at age 33. I think he was 34 by his 7th win.

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday! I think if you were GayProf at 33, you'd be doing Jefe at 31.

Shameless Jefe
Born October 1975

r said...

The Billie Holiday fact... had no idea she was banned from performing in New York. What did she do, bite someone's ear off?


If you were Rebekah on her 33rd birthday, you'd be in Key West, getting stung by a jelly fish.

vuboq said...

FORK! Vuboq just saw that he missed his Fantastic Cuzin's birthday. GAH!!! Vuboq should really check his calendar more often.

Anyway, enough about me ... Happy 33rd! *smooches*

goblinbox said...


2. My GAWD but Linda's a freakin' boom-boom, ain't she?

Margaret said...

Happy birthday!

Roger Owen Green said...

When I turned 33, I didn't hqave a party, it being March, but waited instead unrtil July so that I could have a 33 1/3 party. Not only did it work as a theme (the speed of the LP), but it's a third orf a century. I'm just saying.

Happy natal day. I'll be sure to genuflect.

Frank said...

Happy Birthday!

GayProf said...

Earl: Three quarters or one-third? Like Barbie, I think math is hard!

Dorian: How do you know that I am not talking to you all from beyond the future?

Clio, B., MaggieMay, Frank: Thanks! Remember, it's your holiday, too!

Vila H.: It's hard to believe that at 33, I have been blogging for near two years.

Baron: Well, year 31 was the worst in my life so far. Year 32 was a solid year with lots of great changes. So, 33 will have high expectations.

Jeremy: Hail, Fellow Cancer! We are truly the blessed sign -- Hard and tough on the outside, soft and squishy on the inside.

Doug: Only photos will prove that you wore the right thing to my birthday...

Torn: I think that finding that out about Ann Bancroft was one of the most depressing things that I have heard in a long time.

Antonio: Seth Green and I were born in the same year. It's hard to tell because he is aging much more gracefully than I. Sigh

Jaclyn: If you were me at 30, you would be living in Texas. And by "living," I really mean "crying." It would be two years before you moved to super fantastic Boston.

Adjunct Whore: I could use a new lover...

Marius: The thirties are the new twenties, or so I am told.

Clio: I also will be doing a number of drives across the nation. Plus, I will be escaping Texas. Now if only I could find a French guy...

Bigg: Awww, Thanks!

Tom: Don't dream it, be it! Start a new blog! Start a new blog!

VUBOQ's Cuz: Hail, Fellow Cancer! I knew there was a reason that we would get along. Now we can obey the Cancerian trait of overindulgence together!

Shameless Jefe: There is a full year ahead of me to accomplish this goal.

Rebekah: Yep, Billie was banned because of her drug conviction. I guess they used to figure that entertainers convicted for drugs would use their venues at cabarets to hook everybody else on drugs.

Europe, however, eagerly welcomed Billie during this period.

VUBOQ: Perhaps VUBOQ will come to MFT for these two birthdays next year.

Goblinbox: What amazes me is that she could wear that outfit and still seem serious.

ROG: Ooooh -- I love the idea of a 33 1/3 birthday! Of course, most kids today would have no idea what that meant.

Rick Rockhill said...

That is a GREAT post. Happy birthday to you~

stop by and say hi sometime

dykewife said...

if you were me at 33 you would have had your second child (having given the first one up for adoption when you were 18) and be finding your world close in around you as your emotional life broke down into pieces at your feet.

happy hatch day! for whichever day it lands on. the world was made a more interesting, complex and wonderfully intellectual place the day you were born. i'm glad you're not anyone famous in the way you list the other people because some of them are dead and most of them don't write teh scintillating blog entries that you do.

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday, GayProf!

Be careful, won't you? Not only did Jesus die at 33, but so did Eva Peron. And we both know what happened to them...Andrew Lloyd Webber composed rock musicals about their lives.

The Catch said...

Happy Birth-week GayProf! We celebrate birthdays for almost a month around here, attributing all things purchased to the birthday.

If you were the Radical at 33, you would have cramed the non-monogamous life into nine years, run through your first two therapists ,your first three academic jobs,and your first sabbatical, and landed at Zenith from New York, and found yourself looking around and saying "What the f____?"


Curtis said...

Happy birthday, and many happy returns of the day. Long time reader, first time commenter.

Steven said...

And here I thought you were nevermind. Thirty-three almost sounds like eons ago for me. And if 6 years equal an eon, then someone is old in his own right. ;-)

Happy birthday! :-)