Friday, June 01, 2007

VUBOQ is One of Life's Winners!

Since last we spoke, my former Texan colleague went from persistent to bat-shit crazy. Clearly I misunderstood when I thought that he was asking for a favor. In reality, he was making a demand.

This was really one of the major problems with that department all along. Senior faculty, like him, always imagined that their interests far outweighed the interests of us peon junior faculty. Since his ability to control my tenure fate has been eliminated, he proved completely unable to grasp that I actually said “no” to him. This resulted in my being inundated with unending e-mails – each more snarky than the last.

Somewhere in the middle of the e-mail flurry, I had to step back. It dawned on me that his craziness was eliciting a similar stubborn craziness from me as well. Just when you think that you are out, they find ways to drag you right back in again.

Ultimately, some might say that I folded like a card-table. I, though, prefer to think that I realized that the issue simply wasn’t worth it. I didn’t want to keep playing the bizarre and unprofessional games that plagued that department when the stakes were so low and simply didn’t matter. Plus, the thought of getting this same quantity of e-mail for the next four weeks didn’t appeal to me at all. It reminded me why I am so glad to be getting out of Nutsville.

In more pleasant news, VUBOQ achieved the high-score on knowing all there is to know about GayProf. He will receive his super-secret prize in the next four to six weeks (whenever I drag my lazy ass to the post office).

I think that we all know that the rest of you should be emulating VUBOQ. Clearly he has his priorities in order and slavishly devotes himself to collecting information about GayProf.

Nobody, though, scored a 100 percent. On reflection, I think that is also good news. If somebody had scored a perfect score, the super-secret prize would have been a restraining order.

Let’s take a look at the real answers, shall we?

1. Among other reasons, GayProf doesn’t like the department-store Macy’s because:

    I think only one thing when I see a Macy’s department store: That is the company that killed Marshall Field’s. Any ad on television or any radio spot just makes me think that they cared more about cutting costs on printing shopping bags than preserving a piece of Chicago history. Call me sentimental. Call me a historian. Call me a sentimental historian. Whatever the case, destroying Marshall Field’s was totally unnecessary and shortsighted.

    Macy’s, you suck.

    And don’t even get me started on the modern-lie that is Frango candy....

2. GayProf once referred to the term “MAD-C.” What did this stand for?

    MAD-C, as everybody seemingly knew, stood for Middle-Aged Disgruntled Colleague. Texas gave me the opportunity to know many MAD-C’s.

    In retrospect, though, I wish that I had written about Mormons Attending Disco Clubs. It just sounds more provocative.

3. The first real image of GayProf ever posted on this blog showed him:

    During a brief attempt at being Emma Peel, I had this shot, the first to feature a real-life GayProf:

4. Whose image is always on GayProf’s refrigerator?

    James Dean’s image is almost always on my fridge. This entry explains why.

5. Where was GayProf born?

    I was born and raised in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Everyday, I thank God that I was not born in Texas.

    I am still pressing my mother to prove that I was not crafted out of clay and brought to life by the gods. I think she is close to admitting the truth. Stay tuned.

6. What mishap did not occur to GayProf during the move from Texas to Boston?

    During the long and unpleasant trip across the nation, the most direct route took me through TX, LA, MS, AL, GA, TN, VA, MD, PA, NJ, NY, CT, and MA. The cat shit and puked on my lap. For a variety of reasons, I had no assistance loading and unloading the truck. Plus, somewhere in Virginia I got my first speeding ticket – ever.

    On the bright side, I did not have a flat tire on that trip. Plus, I ended up in Boston. That alone made the travails worth it.

7. Which Science Fiction movie was GayProf’s favorite at age 5?

    When I first went to see Star Wars in the theater, I made my father keep taking me to the bathroom. It bored me. It wasn’t until Empire Strikes Back came out that I was hooked on Star Wars.

    Everybody was bored by Star Trek: The Motion Picture. I can’t believe when they released the DVD they made that movie even longer.

    E.T. and Gremlins both came out when I was around nine or ten. Despite being a bit older, Gremlins scared the crap out of me. I had to sleep with a nite-light for years after that movie.

    In the end, I loved Disney’s The Black Hole. That film started my life-long affection for effete and fussy robots.

8. As a child, who bought GayProf the Mego Wonder Woman doll for Christmas?

    My father, against his own wishes, bought me my Mego Wonder Woman. Though an older post, that entry is actually one of my favorites from the blog.

9. As a general trend, which of the following topics usually generates the least number of comments on CoG?

    As a very general trend, entries on race or ethnicity get the least number of comments overall. I have no insight into why this is the case, but it is a something that I have noticed. If anybody speculates about why this might be true, I am open to debate.

    Entries on porn get the most comments, btw.

10. Which one of these blogs is run by the person who first linked to GayProf?

    My first link came from the author of Redd Turtles and Blue Ducks (on her previous blog). I will always be appreciative of that. GayProf might hold grudges (I am looking at you, Macy’s), but he also remembers the good stuff, too. Sadly, it doesn't seem she updates anymore.

11. What is GayProf’s favorite Christmas dish?

    I do love all of these things. New Mexico state law a requires that I officially answer “biscochitos,” so I gave partial credit for that answer. In truth, though, my favorite dish is a plate of (very labor-intensive) tamales.

12. Where did GayProf go to graduate school?

    A number of people guessed New Mexico. Actually, though, I went away to the Midwest for grad school. Though my new job is not at the same Midwestern university, in many ways it will be familiar ground.

13. The Pope is to Hitler Youth as GayProf is to:

    Though an imperfect analogy, the best answer would have been “Student Government.” At my high school, that basically meant that I was part of the decorating committee for all the dances.

    As an aside, I am not saying that everybody who was in Hitler Youth was necessarily evil; however, I don’t think that somebody who claims to be God’s representative on earth could have participated in Hitler Youth regardless of the circumstances. It seems to me that there are a number of historical Catholic figures who sacrificed themselves rather than participating in an evil (and deadly) institution.

14. Which of the following has not been a parenthetical reference to Liar Ex?

    At some point or another, I have said all of those things about Liar Ex except that he should just die. Part of my belief in karma is not wishing harm on anybody, even scummy liars like George W. Bush or Liar Ex (Who Has a Surprising Amount in Common with George W. Bush).

    Besides, I find the reality of Liar Ex's pitiful life and relationship with his loser boyfriend much more satisfying than wishing him dead. If he was dead, he wouldn't be nearly as pathetic.

15. What is GayProf’s soda of choice?

    TaB – Even if you have just glanced at the blog (or seen my lab tests), this would have been easy. Between TaB and the Hello, Kitty! Poptarts, I will be dead by age 40.

    I only drink the blood of virgins to keep me looking youthful.

16. Which of the following was not true about the house I co-owned in Texas?

    Alas, it was totally my idea to buy that accursed house. The other things were all true.

17. As a child, GayProf’s favorite Halloween costume was:

    Zorro was my favorite costume. Given I was the third child in my family, my parents had basically abandoned photographing our lives by that Halloween. Thus, I have no visual record of my Zorro costume. My mother, though, sewed it all herself. In particular, I loved my long, flowing black cape. If I could pull it off, I would go for that look today.

18. GayProf’s most recent (and most frequent adult-era) Halloween costume was:

    I most often go as a sailor. Once you have the hat, it’s pretty much an easy ride from there.

    I would like to go as Freddie Mercury in drag (complete with miniskirt and mustache) from his "Break Free" video. Perhaps next year...

19. According to this blog, which of the following happened at one or more universities in Texas over the past four years?

    All of those things were true. To my mind, the blackface video and the defacing of the Martin Luther King, Jr. statute suggest that something quite sinister is happening in Texas. I am not sure that we are even aware of its depth.

20. Did GayProf go to his highschool senior prom?

    I did go to my highschool prom. If I spent all that time decorating, you don't think I wouldn't show up, do you?

    I was not out of the closet, though, and went with a girl who was a friend (not a girlfriend).

21. Last year, GayProf had a photo meme about his Texas apartment. Which item did GayProf own?

    I owned the 1960s warming tray, for serving a hot brunch. It has been lugged around with me for almost a decade. In that time, I have used it once. Still, at any moment, I could keep my flapjacks warm and toasty.

    Somewhere at my parent’s house, I also have an I Dream of Jeannie bottle (and they feigned surprise when I told them that I was gay!). The Jeannie bottle was actually just a 1960s liquor bottle that the show painted as a prop. That, though, didn’t make it into the photo meme.

22. Before becoming a history professor, GayProf worked as a:

    secretary. All through undergrad, I worked basically full-time as some form of clerical assistant. At some point, I should really write about my time as a secretary at a mental hospital.

    Being a prostitute is more of my retirement plan.

23. How did GayProf get the tiny scar on his forehead?

    It was a tragic childhood styling-related accident. I was playing with my sister’s hairdryer and put the scolding-hot metal tip to my forehead. My face has never been the same.

24. Exactly 7 persons - P, Q, R, S, T, U & V - periodically offer GayProf gifts to show their gratitude and admiration. During each round of gift giving, none of the gifts are ever of equal value. The following statements about the gifts are always true :

V always gives a more expensive gift than P
P always gives a more expensive gift than Q
Either R gives the most expensive gift and T gives the least expensive gift, or S gives the most expensive gift and U or Q give the least expensive.

If S gives the sixth most expensive gift and Q gives the fifth most expensive gift, which of the following can be true?

    A. V gives the most expensive or forth most expensive gift
    B. R gives the second or third most expensive gift
    C. P gives the second or fifth most expensive gift
    D. U gives the third or fourth most expensive gift
    E. T gives the fourth or fifth most expensive gift

    The answer is “D.” If you are deeply curious why (and I doubt that you are), I can explain. This is a real-life GRE question (minus the reference to GayProf) -- Makes you kinda pity potential grad students, doesn't it?

    When scoring, though, I also gave full credit to smart-ass answers or those who refused to answer the question for moral and/or religious reasons.

25. For Hispanic Heritage Month 2006, GayProf:

    Chico and his tight, tight pants got my attention. Contacting Che from beyond the grave is on my list for this summer.

26. What is GayProf’s least favorite month?

    January sucks. I did, however, give half-credit for those who answered February. In my mind, January (and its sucking) extends from December 31 to February 15.

27. What was GayProf’s first car?

    My first car was the almost indestructible 1975 Dodge Dart. With the exception of the hubcaps, it was identical to the one pictured below:

    My parents bought it brand new in 1975. Here you can see a wee GayProf posed in front of it (the baseball bat was probably forced into my hands seconds before by my father):

    One of my biggest life regrets is getting rid of that car. It had the unforgivable flaw, though, of lacking air conditioning with a black interior. Under the sizzling Albuquerque sun, that was almost life-threatening.

    As an aside, I would also love to own a Charger or a Challenger. I am big into the bygone era of Mopar Muscle cars.

    My sister’s first car was a Pinto. It would be one in a long line of vehicles that she owned that would spontaneously combust.

28. Is GayProf circumcised?

    Statistics could have helped you all out here. Like 85 percent of the men in my age group born in the U.S., I haven't seen my foreskin since the first 24 hours I was on this planet. Sorry, Marlan.

    I have had hands on experience with both the hardtop and convertible models. Both seem good to me and I don’t really have a preference. As long as it doesn't take heroic efforts to make it ready for action, I am not really that picky. TMI?

29. Besides Wonder Woman, what 1970s television show is most frequently mentioned on CoG?

    With the possible exception of Barnaby Jones, all of the other shows have had at least one mention. After Wonder Woman, though, no other seventies show informed my young consciousness quite like Charlie’s Angels. I am sure that more therapy is required.

30. Which of the following is true about GayProf?

    A. Is universally adored.

    B. Is the most desirable man on the blogosphere.

    C. Should be honored with a bronze statue.

    D. All of the above

    There is no wrong answer to this question.

Finally, for DykeWife, this is the only picture I could find from the big-hair era. I seem to remember that my hair got even more voluminous, but the historical record doesn’t contain that data.


Anonymous said...

GayProf is just adorable in the pic with

A. the sailor hat
B. the Dodge Dart
C. the big hair
D. all of the above

That's right, class; D is the correct answer!

vuboq said...

Is the prize a date with GayProf? And, if so, how are you going mail yourself here? That seems uncomfortable!

*happy victory dance of joy*

gwoertendyke said...

boo hoo, i was so close....i wanted a prize.

Anonymous said...

Dang, I should have gone with the statistics. As I said, not a deal breaker.

As far as your former faculty colleagues, your disengagement is probably the wiser choice. I recall my ex's reports on the vile and churlish postings of the faculty where she worked. So much for collegial atmosphere. I'm very thankful I work for an alternative U that dowsn't put up with that sort of "open dialogue."

Anonymous said...

Congratulations Vuboq! I'll try not to be bitter. Gayprof, the problem is you asked the wrong questions or else I would be the winner ;) On the other hand, since Vuboq won I'm looking forward to seeing a pic of him wearing his prize! I'm sure he'll look cute in his Wonder Woman underwear and matching tiara!

dykewife said...

:) i look forward to a larger hair photo.

i'm sure that vuboq will treasure the gift you send and will put it upon his gayprof altar and worship it on sunday mornings before he goes out for brunch.

Roger Owen Green said...

Obviously, some of them I knew, and some of them I actually started searching your blog to answer. then it hit me: it's 2:30 a.m. and i need to go to sleep. But it's not that I don't care...

tornwordo said...

Hey, I knew more than I thought. But I guess I was wrong about "fuckbag", lol.

Earl Cootie said...

I didn't leave my answers in your previous post for I was sure I would suck too loudly. But it turns out, I only sucked at half volume.

Marius said...

Congratulations, Vuboq. Oh, did someone say that the prize is a date with GayProf? Now that's a real prize! :)

It's interesting that entries on race or ethnicity get the least number of comments. It's possible that most of your readers have never had to deal with these issues directly. There's simply no motivation to contribute a comment if you've never experienced discrimination (or rejection). Sex, on the other hand, is something everyone can understand.

GayProf said...

Huntington: Awww -- That's sweet. As for big hair, I wish that I had that much hair today (though perhaps not moussed up).

VUBOQ: But you are already dating Y... He might not like seeing me shoved into your mailbox.

That sounded more dirty than I intended...

Adjunct Whore: Eyes on the prize: The more you learn about GayProf, the more your chances increase for winning a gifty.

Marlan: Yeah, I shouldn't have even got sucked into that correspondence as much as I did. Usually I am pretty good about keeping focused on "real" issues and avoiding the lame, petty stuff. This time, though, I stumbled.

Cooper: Perhaps VUBOQ will be willing to share his super-secret prize.

DykeWife: Don't forget that VUBOQ must also go through the ritual fasting to show his devotion to GayProf.

ROG: I am shocked -- SHOCKED! -- that you thought sleep more important than GayProf.

Torn: You can't win super-secret prizes (of limited monetary value) if you don't play.

And the Liar Ex was a total fuckbag (I am actually not sure what that even means, but I like the sound of it).

Earl: Sucking at any volume is welcomed at CoG.

Marius: Instead of waiting to win a date with GayProf, people could just ask me to go out. It's easier, but does involve an entirely different quiz.

Your ideas about the race entires might be partly right. Still, I don't think that most of my readers are less interested in race than other topics (otherwise they would have long ago stopped reading altogether). I wonder if, instead, people are less certain about commenting on race for fear of seeming "wrong" or "racist."

There is so much baggage around topics of race that it makes it hard to even start to have a real conversation. Even on a safe space, like CoG, there might be apprehension.

dykewife said...

you want vuboq to fast? good heavens!! he'd disappear and we can't have that. perhaps a ritual toast with an appropriate cocktail instead?

i think you should play more head games with your former co-worker. it would be fun to have a youtube video of it. can you arrange that?

Will said...

There's no mystery about porn posts getting the most comments. Blogs devoted to porn, either soft-core or hard-core, get incredible numbers of comments. Individual porn posts, even on a blog that's devoted mainly to urbane, witty commentary on a variety of social, political and personal issues will certainly pull done the most comment.

As to racial/ethnic issues, I think that given this country's history, and the fact that we haven't ever honestly come fully to grips with that history, it's not so mysterious to see severely limited numbers of posts on the subject. I suspect very few people are comfortable with the subject.

Anonymous said...

Cripes! There is too much to even begin commenting on. But a fascinating tour, nonetheless.

On the "folding" comment (before the questions): I think since you are now officially detached from the old institution, you have every right to just let it go and let the others there (some of whom are probably involved in encouraging his bad behavior) deal with it. Fighting would only be a pissing match, and most people are not worth wasting your precious bodily fluids.

Random Answer comments:

7) Actually, if you see the recent director's cut of ST:TMP it somehow becomes much more enjoyable. Still longish, but they fixed up some serious production flaws. This, of course, is not possible with ST:TFF.

9) basically, if the blog is not, on it's face, a blog about an issue (politics, race/ethnicity, gay-specific politics), I notice that posts on "touchy" subjects always get fewer comments. People are more cautious - maybe in hopes of not pissing off others. Porn getting the most is kinda self-evident. Makes ya wonder if we're all writing about the wrong things.

26) This is soooooo accurate. Though once in a blue moon there's been an OK New Year's Eve, so the month of Suck (and not the good way) is delayed a few days.

Bill S. said...

I was 4 when I saw Star Wars, and I thought it was a little boring, too. Gremlins freaked me out when I saw it as a kid, too. But Black Hole freaked me out just as much: Maximillian was creepy as heck.

I liked The Cat From Outer Space.

Anonymous said...

Gay Prof, I'm a recent addition to your readers (to recent to have done more than guess on the recent quiz answers...), but wanted to say how much I enjoy your writing, not to mention all the fabulous Wonder Woman art!!

Assure your Mom its okay for her to admit that you were fashioned of clay and breathed Life into by the Gods!!

And yes, D IS the right answer!

GayProf said...

DykeWife: The best mind game for these people would be me exiting graciously.

Or lighting the building on fire ... whatever.

Will: I am convinced -- I need to write on porn more often!

Atari: I haven't even bothered with ST:TFF since it came out in the theaters. For me, that film is non-canonical Trek. We all know that ST:TWK and ST:TUC are the best.

Bill S.: I think the problem with Gremlins was that they marketed it as if it was going be like E.T. Nobody let me know ahead of time that Gizmo's friends were going to be munching on townspeople.

Midnight Gardner: Hail, Amazon Sister! Glad to have you around my little bloggy.

Oso Raro said...

Being denied power over others, in those rare exceptional cases, is one of the most frustrating banes of faculty life, and certainly one I am negotiating now. So, my congratulations on your early departure from what surely would have been a disastrous tenure process designed to destroy you and your credibility.

Oh, and fuck them and the horse they rode in on.

Kisses, OR (feelin' a lil' misanthropic right about now... u? :-P)