Never Get GayProf Wet or Feed Him After Midnight

I've been busy. Not busy in painful ways, but busy enough to set aside my blogging duties. I know -- The blogosphere feels so empty without me.

My mother came to visit, which required the usual ritual cleaning before hand. Then, of course, we spent several days on the road touring forgotten Midwestern cities (Have I mentioned that the rest of the U.S. should feel profound shame at their blatant disregard for this region?). We did make a stop at Chrysler -- I think that they were giving away stock as a gift with the purchase of Diet Coke. You know it's a bad sign when a company has to turn to Fiat in a hope to improve quality and management decisions.

Now I am departing for my version of Paradise Island -- Which isn't really an island at all. Actually, it's totally landlocked. But it is the source of my strange and mysterious powers.

Sure, I've some ideas for posts. But, instead, I thought that you all would like to know some new things about me:

Ten Top Trivia Tips about GayProf!

1. GayProf will often glow under UV light!
2. GayProf was originally called Cheerioats.
3. Michelangelo finished his great statue of GayProf in 1504, after eighteen months work!
4. GayProf can pollinate up to six times more efficiently than the honeybee.
5. It is bad luck to light three cigarettes with the same Gay Prof!
6. GayProf was first discovered by Alexander the Great in India, and introduced to Europe on his return!
7. If GayProf was life size, he would stand 7 ft 2 inches tall and have a neck twice the size of a human!
8. New Zealand was the first place to allow GayProf to vote.
9. A chimpanzee can learn to recognize itself in a mirror, but GayProf can not.
10. The GayProf-fighting market in the Philippines is huge - several thousand GayProf-fights take place there every day.

Make your own trivia here (HT: Acadamnit (and probably others)).

When in Doubt, Meme

Well, the semester is off and rolling. It seems like time is going by so quickly. There are still Christmas packages that I have yet to mail.

As a result, I am a bit slow in doing this "End of Year Meme" that I saw over at Maggie's. I am confident that you will forgive me.

1. Will you be looking for a new job?

No – Why? What have you heard? Should I be looking?

2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?

Well, I am always looking. Everybody needs a hobby.

3. New house?

Oh.My.God.No. My horrific experiment with home ownership has left me traumatized. I am content to keep renting my little cottage. Besides, I am so broke and in debt that I probably wouldn't even qualify for a mortgage on a porta-potty.

4. What will you do different in 08?

I will be drinking bourbon in ways that I never expected to do. For most of 2007 (and earlier), I shied away from the brown liquors. Foolish! I was blind, now I see.

5. New Year's resolution?

I pledge to master the Manhattan Cocktail. It will be my gift to human kind.



6. What will you not be doing in 08?

Running for president.

7. Any trips planned?

At some point, I need to go to Chicago (which I love). My family is also planning some sort of group-trip to the east coast. I still have not been to the core of Decaying Midwestern Urban Center. Finally, I would like to return to Boston. Only a fraction of these are likely to happen (see aforementioned brokeness).

8. Wedding plans?

As a gay man, it is my apparent responsibility to undermine the sanctity of heterosexual marriage. It’s what keeps us gays looking youthful.

9. Major thing on your calendar?

End of Semester: April 17.

10. What can’t you wait for?

End of Semester: April 17.

11. What would you like to see happen differently?

It would be nice if American voters a) actually voted and b) voted based on what would be good for the nation rather than voting based on their hatred of gays, feminists, Mexicans/Mexican-Americans, African Americans, people in the Middle East, non-Christians, or any other group. I am not optimistic (Hello, President Huckabee).

12. What about yourself will you be changing?

The snail’s pace at which I am completing the Never Ending Research Project of Doom.

13. Will you better your relationship with your family?

Ah, family. Can’t live with them, can’t shove them in a trunk and drive them over a cliff.


14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?

Well, I don’t think that I am exactly mistreating them now. Why? What have you heard? Oh, right -- That trunk thing.

15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 07?

Yes – In addition to the star-spangled panties, you can expect more time in white jumpsuits.



16. Will you start or quit drinking?

I would quit drinking, but I don’t want to.

17. Major lifestyle changes?

Have I mentioned the bourbon thing already?

18. Will you do charity work?

Currently I am slotted to host a cocktail fund-raiser for the local MFT queer youth group in March. That is my ideal type of volunteer work -- One that involves serving liquor. Beyond that, I am not sure. My other volunteer effort has been thwarted so far.

19. Will you go to bars?

In my mind, I am already there.

20. Will you be nice to people you don’t know?

Um – Yes. – Who wrote this meme? All of these questions about being nice suggests that somebody clearly ate their birthday cake in 2007.

21. Do you expect 08 to be a good year for you?

I try not to expect anything.

22. How much did you change from this time last year till now?

It is hard to measure – Unless we are talking about my hairline, which has sadly moved significantly backwards. sigh

23. Do you plan on having a child?

I do not. It would be infinitely preferable to have a fully autonomous robot who could tidy up my house.



24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?

Of course. Why? What have you heard?

25. What happened in 07 that you didn’t think would ever happen?

I moved to Midwestern Funky Town.



26. Will you be moving?

I really, really, really hope not. Moving suuuuuuuuuuucks.

27. What will you make sure doesn’t happen in 08 that happened in 07?

I intend to trust my instincts about people much more. Usually my big mistakes involve disregarding what I know to be true and, instead, believing what the other person tells me to be true (It's a little life lesson that I keep failing at over and over again).

28. What are your New Year's Eve plans?

I went to a friend’s house.

29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight?

I did, but did not avail myself of that option.

30. One wish for 08?

A happy end to the Never Ending Research Project of Doom.

Place Holder

I’ve been tied up with other things the past week or so. Let’s just say that GayProf is detained helping humanity or fighting crime or polishing his tiara or something equally mysterious.

In the meantime, here are two things that I can watch over and over:

Because Nobody Asked

After an absurd level of paperwork and forms, I finally succeeded in changing my car's registration and my license from Texas. Gee, it only took me four hours of standing in line.

I am still in low-key mode after the move. This is time where I am learning how Midwestern Funky Town works. Many people have complained about the streets being confusing in MFT, but after Boston it seems downright straightforward. Plus, I have determined that I could (if needed) basically walk everywhere in MFT.

Most importantly, though, I found that my local market sells TaB by the case. I have not actually seen the case o’ TaB before moving to MFT. Usually I always had to buy it in six-packs. To be honest, I figured the FDA wanted to limit the amount of toxins yummy goodness that any single individual could purchase.



With all the plugging I do for the product on this blog, you would think that Coca Cola would hook me up with some TaB swag. Maybe some of those “hour-glass” tumblers? Or they could just pay for my chemo for TaB-related cancer.

Since I am still on low-key mode, I am going to refrain again from a more lengthy entry. Instead, I’ll answer a question meme that I found at UnCool.

1. What Do You Say Most When You’re Trying Not To Swear?

Fuck (I am not good at censoring myself).

2. Do You Own An iPod?

Yes, though it is getting old. It was one of the first “minis.” I couldn't even contemplate the gym without one.

3. Which Person(s) In Your Top Friends Do You Talk To The Most?

Um – I am not sure that I organize my friends into a hierarchy that would suggest a select “Top.” Does this mean that others have people whom they consider “Loser Friends?”

Whatever the case, right now I probably talk with one of my sisters most often.

4. What Time Is Your Alarm Clock Set To?

It goes off at eight o’clock. As you can tell, going back to teaching in the fall is going to be tough for me.

5. Do You Want To Fall In Love?

Yes, of course. Do people actually answer “No?” What do they say? “No, man – I want my life to be an emotional void. That’s cool with me.”

In terms of falling in love, though, I would like to have more sense about it than my previous ventures. No cowards -- No liars -- No zombies.

6. Do You Wear Flip-Flops When It’s Cold?

I never wear Flip-Flops – ever. Indeed, I would probably go barefoot first.

7. Would You Rather Take The Picture Or Be In The Picture?

I would like to take the picture with my super archaic 35mm SLR camera. Why go digital when, in just three short weeks, you can have prints from actual film?

Still, I also like pictures of myself. Mostly, though, I want editorial control over all the pictures of me that exist in the world.

8. What Was The Last Movie You Watched?

Probably that was Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. It has been a very Harry Potter summer for GayProf.

As an aside, Daniel Radcliff certainly turned into quite the looker. Just in time for him to be legal, too!

9. Do Any Of Your Friends Have Children?

Yes.

10. Has Anyone Ever Called You Lazy?

My father always called me lazy when I was growing up.

11. Do You Ever Take Medication To Help You Fall Asleep?

I do when I really need sleep and am too stressed out to fall asleep. Most of the time, though, I avoid over-the-counter sleep aides. They leave me feeling really groggy the next day (and Tylenol PM seems to dehydrate me for whatever reason).

12. What CD Is Currently In Your CD Player?

Scissor Sisters’ self-titled debut album.

13. Do You Prefer Regular Or Chocolate Milk?

I only use milk in cereal or for cooking. Most times I buy 2%.

14. Has Anyone Told You A Secret This Week?

Nope. Do you have one to share?

15. When Was The Last Time You Had Starbucks?

Hmmm – It has been sometime. I almost always make my coffee in the morning at my house. When I was in Texas last month, I think that I stopped by a Starbucks for a Mocha.

16. Can You Whistle?

Sure, I know how to whistle. You just put your lips together and blow.



17. Do You Have A Trampoline In Your Back Yard?

Who wrote this meme? Clearly not the gays.

No -- I avoid eyesores in my garden. Trampolines only belong in sex dungeons.

18. Do You Think People Talk About You Behind Your Back?

Only the tabloids.

19. Did You Watch Cartoons As A Child?

Oh, goddess, yes! I was recently really excited to find the almost totally forgotten 1980s Zorro cartoon on DVD.



20. What Movie Do You Know Every Line To?

It’s been a bit of time, but I could probably mouth all the words to Star Trek II, III, IV, and VI ("Ship -- Out of danger?"). The same with Star Wars IV and V .

21. What Is The Last Thing You Purchased?

A parking permit for my new job ($500! They are mighty proud of their parking spaces at Big Midwestern University.)

22. Is There Anything Wrong With Girls Kissing Girls?

How could something so right be wrong? Indeed, I think that there should be more same-sex kissing across the nation.

23. Do You Own Any Band T-Shirts?

No, but I do own a Mr. Clean t-shirt.



24. What Is Your Favorite Salad Dressing?

Though it means losing blog readers, I really like Ranch. Most often, though, I just eat salad dry (to avoid extra calories and fat).

25. Is anyone in love with you?

Not to my knowledge.

26. Do You Do Your Own Dishes?

Despite my Dish Mania, doing dishes is my least favorite chore. Everything goes in the dishwasher. EVERYTHING.

27. Ever Cry In Public?

I can’t think of the last time that this occurred. I cry very rarely overall. Still, if I need to cry, being in public wouldn’t stop me.

28. Do You Like Anyone?

Just in general? Or like – like? Or like as in "tolerate"? Is this a question about being a misanthrope? I am confused.

29. Are You Currently Wanting Any Piercings Or Tattoo?

I go back and forth on the tattoo thing. If I were to get one, I know what and where. Still, it all just seems too permanent for me.

Piercings are a turn-off for me (not a judging thing – they just don’t turn my personal crank). Since you have to dress like what you want to sleep with, I have no plans for piercing.

30. Who Was The Last Person To Make You Mad?

My movers.

31. Would You Ever Date Anyone Covered In Tattoos?

What are the images in the tattoos?

32. What Did You Do Before This?

I was working on the never ending research project of doom. Then I answered a couple of e-mails.

33. When Was The Last Time You Slept On The Floor?

That would have been last Saturday before my furniture arrived (See #30).

34. How Many Hours Of Sleep Do You Need To Function?

After careful self-evaluation, I truly need eight hours. If given the opportunity, I will take more. When I have less, though, I will not quite process information right. If I go for two or more days with less than eight hours, it is almost guaranteed that I will get a cold.

35. Do You Eat Breakfast Daily?

Mom always said it was the most important meal of the day.



36. Are Your Days Full And Fast Paced?

They are full, but not fast paced at the moment.

37. What are you doing right now?

I am taking a shortcut to write a blog entry.

38. Do you use sarcasm?

Only as a pedagogical tool.

39. Have You Ever Been In A Fight?

Yes, but not since middle school.

40. Are You Picky About Spelling And Grammar?

No. I can’t spell to save my life. When I grade my students’ papers, I do make many comments on grammar, but it does not affect their grades. I am more concerned about content and the quality of their thinking (but to make that thinking clear often requires good grammar).

41. Have You Ever Been To Six Flags?

No, and I have no plans. Didn't some poor girl just lose her legs on a Six Flags roller coaster?

42. Have You Ever Gotten Beat up?

Yes, but not since middle school (see #39).

43. Do You Get Along Better With The Same Sex Or The Opposite?

I don’t think there is a clear divide. As long as they worship me, I really don’t care about their gender.

44. Do you like mustard?

Yes - Dijon, in particular.

45. Do You Sleep On Your Side, Stomach, Or Back?

I sleep on my side or stomach. Before falling asleep, though, I toss and turn a lot. It takes me a good hour before I fall asleep. Perhaps I should rethink #11.

46. Do You Watch The News?

Yes, on occasion I watch the news, but most of the network news is crap today. I depend more on the internet and the New York Times (when I have the time to read it).

47. How Did You Get Three Of Your Scars?

Have I stumbled into the movie Jaws? I am not sure that I even have three scars. There is one on my forehead from the previously discussed childhood hairstyling accident. The only other one that I know about is a minor scar on my penis (It’s true!), but that, my friends, is a tragic tale for a different day.

Take Your Mother Out...

Although I didn’t expect it to affect my mood one way or another, the end of the house has actually left me in a pretty darn good place. The sun has been shining in Boston and the temperatures have been mild. What more could a gay boy want?

My mother is also coming for a visit for the next few days. I thought about dubbing her “MotherProf,” but given that she is not a professor, it seemed like I was forcing it.

In preparation, the apartment has received a massive cleaning. Battling mold can be remarkable satisfying to me. I am not sure why... Probably some type of control issue. Great – More therapy.

Annnyway, I plan to do some touristy-stuff in Boston that I have not yet had a chance to do. I am also considering a drive to Salem where there is a Bewitched statue! Oh, and I guess something historical happened there, too. But, whatever...

While I am away, be sure to talk among yourselves. I left some money on the counter for a pizza and there is some beer in the fridge.

Also, watch this video. As with most things, I heard about it first from Dorian:

Video Ga-Ga

Lots of good things have been going on lately. This, though, results is a lack of ideas for my little bloggy. We all know that my secret powers comes from my gravitas. Without that, I am nothing. Well, actually, I am still the most desirable man on the blogosphere – but I am just the most desirable man who has not much to say.

While we wait on that gravitas to return, take a look at some old music videos from the eighties. You know, sometimes I get to thinking about those old videos, and I miss them. Yeah, it’s not particularly original to bemoan the days when MTV actually played videos. When I was a young lad, however, my sisters and I spent hours glued to MTV. We memorized every detail of the original VJ's and created elaborate back-stories for them. We were pretty sure that Martha Quinn was sleeping with everybody. Who knew that she would later marry (in the t.v. world) on the Brady kids? Then MTV had this other woman we always referred to as "Tweety-Bird" because of her blond spiky hair -- Anybody remember her name? Eh

Still, that early eighties witnessed the creation of a stylistic art for music videos. It was not enough to simply get air-time, artists had to create visual entertainment to accompany their song. Many succeeded at this venture, but The Eurythmics and Queen became masters. Each of their videos had a particular tone. Those videos, in turn, became self-referential and mutally reenforcing. One needed to know all (or at least some) of the previous videos for the newer ones to make sense. Annie Lennox created alternate personalities and characters that almost had lives of their own. Freddie Mercury brought every gay iconic image to the small screen: Leather guy, eighties clone, weird-mechanic person. He had them all in his videos.

Some artists still put the same effort in videos (That cute lesbian Eminem comes to mind. She is a lesbian, right?). Where do those videos even get a venue?









Of course, as much as MTV always liked to claim it was avant-garde, it often balked at things that seemed too confrontational. We all remember the Cher-in-a-leather-band-aide verses Madonna-chained-to-the-bed controversy. Many people forget that long before that MTV-created cat-fight, the network policed gender roles with vigor. Two videos, in particular, made the MTV executives very nervous in the eighties: Queen's "I Want to Break Free" and The Eurythmics "Love is a Stranger."

Looking at both again, we can see why they made the suits so squirmy. Both are devoted to drag performances of different types. Yet, they are such absurd and cartoonish takes on gender, they suggest that all gender roles are just learned social performances (Judith Butler must have been a huge MTV fan) with no real root in biology.




Queen recreating the women characters of a popular British soap made the video a big no-no. Well, at least it made it a no-no until 10:00pm. After all, MTV still wanted to make a buck off the video if it could.

Mercury (without shaving his mustache) and the other members of Queen made exaggerated gestures to their female personas. They wore giant wigs, heavy makeup, and skimpy-minis. They all went about their business trapped within the urban domestic space. Mercury did the drudgery of housework while singing about wanting to break free. It's small wonder that Mercury opens a closet door in the middle of the video as the proposed escape from domestic hell. Opening doors, closet doors in particular, figured heavily in Queen's videos... I am just sayin'.

Beyond the closet door, we see all sorts of scenes of sexual freedom. Mercury romps around shirtless. He then rolls across virtually naked bodies of all genders. For Queen, breaking free was about tossing aside the crushing gender expectations of the household and escaping from the closet. Queen dissmised the unwavering conformity of the Reagan-Thatcher era. They suggested that young queers (or queens, if you will) could find happiness and contentment outside of the confinement of the traditional home.



Annie Lennox didn't get any warmer reception from MTV. An oft-repeated story is that Lennox had to provide confirmation that she was biologically female before MTV would accept the "Love is a Stranger" video. She so easily transgressed gender costumes, MTV allegedly became confused about her "actual" gender.

Lennox starts out the video in one of her eighties-personas: the blond bimbo. She gets into the car, mentioned in the song's lyrics, and vamps it up for the camera. As the video moves along, though, she rips off the wig to reveal the artifice of her gender performance. In that one step she moved from hyper-feminine to androgynous (or even masculine).

The rest of the video she tries on all sorts of different gender identities. Each becomes a play-thing and a mask, none any more real than the next. In case we missed the point, the video concludes with Lennox doing the robot dance -- Suggesting that all the previous gender performances had been as mechanical and artificial as any automaton.

None of the videos on MTV made a direct plea for sexual freedom. Yet, some still acknowledged that many people wanted more out of life than the rigid sexual conformity offered by the eighties. They provided a visual representation of things that many of us wanted to do if we had a little more freedom: Rip off the wigs and bust open the closet doors, all to a catchy tune.

Video, someone still loves you.