My Dinner with. . . Diana of Themyscira

StinkyLulu recently asked me to participate in a meme about which famous person, alive or dead, I would invite to dinner. StinkyLulu opted for Rita Moreno. It was a good choice. Of course, I was surprised he didn’t say “GayProf,” which would have made more sense. But, whatever. I think we all know who I would choose:

1. Pick a single person, past or present, in the film industry who you'd like to have dinner with, and tell us why you chose this person.

I believe that people demand a predictable GayProf. They don’t want a GayProf willy-nilly choosing unexpected people. So who else could I choose but Wonder Woman? Yes, I grant that she wasn't technically in the film industry. And, okay, she doesn’t really exist – allegedly.

Still, Wonder Woman (a.k.a Diana Prince, a.k.a. Princess Diana of the Amazons, a.k.a. the woman who is too often incorrectly identified as "Superwoman") is beautiful as Aphrodite, wise as Athena, swifter than Hermes, and stronger than Hercules. Plus, she really knows how to accessorize. Who wouldn’t want to have dinner with her?

2. Set the table for your dinner. What would you eat? Would it be in a home or at a restaurant? And what would you wear? Feel free to elaborate on the details.

Well, Amazon feasts tend to get a little peculiar. Apparently all the dinner guests are first expected to dress like deer:



Then they are hunted and “skinned”:



And, finally, baked into a pie:



Somehow, my kitchen just doesn’t seem big enough to accommodate an Amazon tart. Plus, I don't have a self-cleaning oven. I really hate to make things that I know will splatter.

So, I think my dinner would be much more simple. Given that Wonder Woman is a vegetarian (cannibal/deer references aside), the menu would be high on the soy protein, veggies and fruits. I’ll make darn sure, though, that all my fruit is remarkably fresh. Produce with blemishes seems to piss her off:



Maybe I can distract her with a good bottle of Rioja. Thank the gods that we know that Diana drinks wine. Just because you have to deflect bullets with your bracelets doesn’t mean that you should be concerned about drinking something that depresses neural activity and impairs motor skills.



3. List five thoughtful questions you would ask this person during dinner.


A. Diana, when you worked at NASA, who convinced you that hot-pants and a plunging blouse was the ideal outfit for work on spaceships?



B. While we are on the subject of work, you have had a hard time holding down a regular job. So far, you have been a nurse, a Navy yeomen, a secretary, the owner of a dress boutique, a guide at the U.N., an astronaut trainee, a U.N. special agent, an ambassador, a monarch, and now an agent for metahuman affairs. Have you ever thought about seeing a career counselor?



C. Has the spiking gas prices affected your use of the invisible jet? Also, don’t you think that it is environmentally dubious to just let it fly around the sky empty all day? I mean, it's bad enough that you don't carpool. Shouldn’t you at least be looking for an invisible hanger?



D. You once explained your unusual star-spangled short shorts:



After the Bush administration, do you ever feel dirty wearing your uniform? Maybe all the torture, war, death penalties, sexism, and disregard for social justice suggests that the U.S. is beyond hope of being reminded of its once lofty ideals.

I say that if you want to really send a message, opt for a wardrobe change. Maybe you should think about an outfit that is red and yellow with some columns?



E. Unlike Batman or Superman, you have constantly been shafted with bad writing and a total disregard to your origin material. First, they took away your superpowers and killed your boyfriend. Then they gave you back your powers and your boyfriend. Then they killed your boyfriend again and took away your secret identity. Now they have decided to split the difference so you lose your superpowers while you are under your secret identity. They call it a "reward from the gods" to experience mortality as Diana Prince. I call it a cheap plot device. Ugh.

Why don’t you get the same respect as Superman and Batman? Where is your movie and product tie ins?

You might be one of the “Big Three,” but clearly D.C. considers you the Chrysler of that metaphor. Superman and Batman are out driving Mustangs and Corvettes. You, on the other hand, have been saddled with a 1981 Plymouth Horizon. It’s not right, girl.

Bob Kane is one step away from canonization, but who mourns for William Moulton Marston? It’s because of the weird Amazon deer ritual thing that he created, isn’t it?


Okay, so maybe that wasn't so much of a question as a rant. Instead, let's ask another question.



E. Here you tell Hawkgirl that you will wait for her while she changes her clothes:



By "waiting," did you really mean "watching her undress?" Just what are your eyes so fixed upon? Her eyes are above her mouth, not her bellybutton. Come to think of it, you never did spend much time mourning Steve Trevor's many deaths. I am not sayin', I am just sayin'. . .




4. When all is said and done, select six bloggers to pass this Meme along to.

Anybody can play who wants to do so.

It's More Than a Living

Tenured Radical tagged me to write about the reasons that I love teaching history (or something to that effect). Articulating our reasons for teaching, she reasons, will be a modest attempt to break apart the notion that universities provide a mere commodity for eager cogs in the capitalist machine (or something to that effect). I figured it would also be a good balance to my previous post. GayProf doesn't spend all of his time complaining about students.

Here are the reasons that I enjoy teaching history:

1. I can facilitate students discovering that they actually do enjoy learning about the past. Until college, most students’ education worked to crush their interest in learning about the past. Social Studies (which many people confuse with “history”) most often required them to memorize names and dates until they were ready to puke. How could anybody come to like history as an academic discipline if their only exposure required them to mindlessly spill out things like the exact date of the Treaty of Paris? Does knowing that it was signed on September 3, 1783 really do much for our understanding of the nation? What does that date even mean without any sense of context about what else was happening in the rest of the world in 1783? Most students, after dutiful memorizing such things, promptly forget them twenty-four hours after their high school exam. All-night cramming leaves a bad taste in their mouth. No wonder they are often filled with dread when they see that their university will require that they take six hours of history credit.

Yet, I have found that most people are quite curious about the past outside of academic environments. That curiosity might run the gambit. Some people might wonder how certain individuals became president or why we don’t remember other presidents (*cough* William Henry Harrison *cough*). Others might wonder how our modern assumptions about race, gender, and sexuality appeared. Still others might be more interested in questions about day-to-day life in the past. Some might ask, how and where did people take a shit in New York in 1833? I am thinking of you, Torn.

All of these questions have answers if we know where to look. If I can free students from the date/name phobia, they actually start to realize that learning about the past is – gasp – interesting.

2. Teaching history encourages students to develop skills in critical thinking. This is related to number one, but so important it deserves separate mention.

Memorizing all those names and dates? It does nothing for students to acquire actual abilities to think on their own. Now that we have entered into the “No Child Left Behind” era, things look even more grim. Apparently the marker of being educated is no longer being able to reason or form arguments. Nope, the marker of an education is the ability to play Trivia Pursuit: Scantron Edition.



Teaching history at the university level offers students the opportunity to think about the ways that others have created stories about the past. They learn that there is never one true history. Instead, there are always multiple and competing narratives about the past. This requires all of us to think critically about sources, perspectives, and context as we piece together the meaning of the past.

3. It beats shoveling coal. Teaching history also doesn’t require a lot of heavy lifting.

4. Teaching history can help students feel less lonely. The contemporary U.S. can be a grim place: unwinnable wars, a looming economic depression (don’t kid yourself – It’s nearly upon us. Cutting taxes again will only exacerbate the problem and continue to push the nation into debt), racism, sexism, and homophobia.

By studying the past, we learn that other people have dealt with similar (or worse) problems and survived. Individuals who identify as racial or sexual minorities, in particular, can find people in the past who weren’t afraid to challenge the status quo. Knowing such people existed can make one feel not so isolated. Because school boards mostly refuse to consider that history isn’t only about dead, white, straight men, the university classroom is often the first place that people even learn about the existence of different perspectives about the past.

5. I get to provide students with numerous anecdotes for their future cocktail parties. As I mentioned in number one, people are usually interested in the past (even if they are scarred off from the actual discipline). Interesting vignettes from history make excellent small talk for parties. Taking my class with undoubtedly improve students’ future social standing.

Did you know, for instance, that the nineteenth-century inventor of the Graham Cracker, Sylvester Graham, was obsessed with ending masturbation in young boys? Graham believed that one’s carnal desires were directly related to the food one consumed. Indeed, his cracker was imagined as part of a homeopathic system to “cure” all sorts of sexual vice. Think of that next time you make s’mores.



6. I learn a lot from students. Because history depends so much on discussion and trying out new interpretations, the classroom is not just a one-way venue where knowledge is imparted from behind the podium. I also take away new ideas.

Do I learn something from every student enrolled? Well, no. Still, there have been several students who arrived in my classroom with a different set of life experiences and/or a different intellectual trajectory that challenged and enhanced my own presumptions about the past.

7. Teaching history provides a means to buy sweet, sweet liquor. Hey, I might have noble sentiments about teaching, but it is also a paycheck. That paycheck permits me to eat, have shelter, and keep my bar quasi-stocked. Besides, with students like those mentioned in the previous entry, teaching history sometimes becomes a reason to buy sweet, sweet liquor.



8. Teaching is easier than trying to have a career in stand-up comedy. Both stand-up comedy and teaching require a lone individual to talk for an hour in front of an audience. Students, however, are usually so grateful that I make any attempt at humor in lecture that they will laugh at my corny jokes. In a night club, I would be booed off stage and possibly burned with cigarettes. Moreover, my students don't show up drunk -- most of the time.

9. By teaching history, I can provide an antidote to contemporary misuses of of the past. We would be in a sorry world if our only interpretation of the nation’s past came from politicians, CNN, Fox, or the National Treasure movies.



Teaching history gives students access to histories that were written based on, you know, evidence. Because it also provides students with critical thinking skills (see number 2), students are better prepared to identify when people are interpreting the past for their own political ends (whether it be the left or the right). Knowing that an argument is ahistorical is as important as knowing a reasonable historical argument.

Besides, any job where I can trash Nicolas Cage is well worth my time.

When in Doubt, Meme

Well, the semester is off and rolling. It seems like time is going by so quickly. There are still Christmas packages that I have yet to mail.

As a result, I am a bit slow in doing this "End of Year Meme" that I saw over at Maggie's. I am confident that you will forgive me.

1. Will you be looking for a new job?

No – Why? What have you heard? Should I be looking?

2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?

Well, I am always looking. Everybody needs a hobby.

3. New house?

Oh.My.God.No. My horrific experiment with home ownership has left me traumatized. I am content to keep renting my little cottage. Besides, I am so broke and in debt that I probably wouldn't even qualify for a mortgage on a porta-potty.

4. What will you do different in 08?

I will be drinking bourbon in ways that I never expected to do. For most of 2007 (and earlier), I shied away from the brown liquors. Foolish! I was blind, now I see.

5. New Year's resolution?

I pledge to master the Manhattan Cocktail. It will be my gift to human kind.



6. What will you not be doing in 08?

Running for president.

7. Any trips planned?

At some point, I need to go to Chicago (which I love). My family is also planning some sort of group-trip to the east coast. I still have not been to the core of Decaying Midwestern Urban Center. Finally, I would like to return to Boston. Only a fraction of these are likely to happen (see aforementioned brokeness).

8. Wedding plans?

As a gay man, it is my apparent responsibility to undermine the sanctity of heterosexual marriage. It’s what keeps us gays looking youthful.

9. Major thing on your calendar?

End of Semester: April 17.

10. What can’t you wait for?

End of Semester: April 17.

11. What would you like to see happen differently?

It would be nice if American voters a) actually voted and b) voted based on what would be good for the nation rather than voting based on their hatred of gays, feminists, Mexicans/Mexican-Americans, African Americans, people in the Middle East, non-Christians, or any other group. I am not optimistic (Hello, President Huckabee).

12. What about yourself will you be changing?

The snail’s pace at which I am completing the Never Ending Research Project of Doom.

13. Will you better your relationship with your family?

Ah, family. Can’t live with them, can’t shove them in a trunk and drive them over a cliff.


14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?

Well, I don’t think that I am exactly mistreating them now. Why? What have you heard? Oh, right -- That trunk thing.

15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 07?

Yes – In addition to the star-spangled panties, you can expect more time in white jumpsuits.



16. Will you start or quit drinking?

I would quit drinking, but I don’t want to.

17. Major lifestyle changes?

Have I mentioned the bourbon thing already?

18. Will you do charity work?

Currently I am slotted to host a cocktail fund-raiser for the local MFT queer youth group in March. That is my ideal type of volunteer work -- One that involves serving liquor. Beyond that, I am not sure. My other volunteer effort has been thwarted so far.

19. Will you go to bars?

In my mind, I am already there.

20. Will you be nice to people you don’t know?

Um – Yes. – Who wrote this meme? All of these questions about being nice suggests that somebody clearly ate their birthday cake in 2007.

21. Do you expect 08 to be a good year for you?

I try not to expect anything.

22. How much did you change from this time last year till now?

It is hard to measure – Unless we are talking about my hairline, which has sadly moved significantly backwards. sigh

23. Do you plan on having a child?

I do not. It would be infinitely preferable to have a fully autonomous robot who could tidy up my house.



24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?

Of course. Why? What have you heard?

25. What happened in 07 that you didn’t think would ever happen?

I moved to Midwestern Funky Town.



26. Will you be moving?

I really, really, really hope not. Moving suuuuuuuuuuucks.

27. What will you make sure doesn’t happen in 08 that happened in 07?

I intend to trust my instincts about people much more. Usually my big mistakes involve disregarding what I know to be true and, instead, believing what the other person tells me to be true (It's a little life lesson that I keep failing at over and over again).

28. What are your New Year's Eve plans?

I went to a friend’s house.

29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight?

I did, but did not avail myself of that option.

30. One wish for 08?

A happy end to the Never Ending Research Project of Doom.

Terrible Twos

All of the ballyhoo surrounding the start of classes made me lose sight of my blogoversiary. I have been using the internet tubes to spread my gravitas since September 1, 2005. For two years, we have shared triumphs and tragedies. Together, we have started the complicated work of building a massive media empire for GayProf.

I am sure glad that we get to spend this special time together. It's such a good feeling, a very good feeling. The feeling you know that we're friends. And I'll be back, when the day is new. And I'll have more ideas for you. And you'll have things you'll want to talk about. I will too. It’s such a good feeling.

Normally when we hit a milestone at CoG, I encourage my readers to consume liquor (usually quite heavily). I still do (Are you drinking enough, son?). This time around, some sort of prize seemed in order. I already did a fairly recent quiz, though, about things you could know about me from the blog. So I had to think.

Last night, as I was driving home from work, I was listening to Neko Case. As I sang along mindlessly with the lyrics to “Favorite,” I suddenly stopped and asked myself, “Did I just sing ‘Last Night I dreamt that I hit a deer with my car’?” Given that I am often wrong about lyrics, I Googled them. Indeed, Neko Case does sing about cervidaicide. Huh.

It reminded me how we often ignore the lyrics to songs we enjoy. Lyrics, in my mind, are critically important to enjoying the music. I consider myself a more attentive listener than other people I know, but I still often fumble things. Sometimes vital words to songs just pass through our ears over and over again without us noticing. Indeed, I have often hid lyrics to songs within many entries on CoG. To date, only three people have ever noticed (or cared enough to comment on it).

In some instances, not paying attention to a song’s lyrics can really miss the point. Billie Holiday, for instance, used to complain that people would request her anti-lynching song “Strange Fruit” by asking for “that sexy song about black bodies swinging.” She was not impressed.

This thought-train reminded me of a meme that Rebekah posted a few weeks ago. She listed the opening lyrics to several songs and asked her readers to give the correct corresponding artist/title. At most, people could guess maybe one or two each. Thus, I decided it would be an ideally arcane means to give out a prize.

Here are the [adapted] rules for the meme:

1) Put your mp3 player or music player on your computer on random.
2)Post the first four lines from the first 20 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song (Skip repeat artists).
3) Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.

Add your guesses to the comments section. The first person to guess them all (which is highly unlikely) will win a prize. The more likely outcome is that I will send it to the person who has the most songs right by the next time I write an entry. This means even an individual with just one right answer could potentially be one of life’s winners (if everybody else refuses to participate or really gets things wrong).

What will you win? Well, it will be similar in theme and content to the prize modeled by CoG’s official glamour model, VUBOQ:



Remember: The eye of Hera is upon you. Looking lyrics up on Google or any other search engine is cheating. CoG operates on an honor code and GayProf doesn’t tolerate academic dishonesty.

Do you hear what I hear? If so, name that song and artist:

1. So Your Girlfriend Wants to be a Popstar
And Beat the Charts Outta Me
She Wants to Move a Million Units, Man
Probably Just to Prove She Can

2. Starry nights, city lights coming down over me
Skyscrapers and stargazers in my head
Are we we are, are we we are the waiting unknown
This dirty town was burning down in my dreams

3.Home for Sale
That’s Much Too Large
Too Many Rooms
Big Ol’ Empty Yard



4. Quiero Bailar, Quiero Sentirme Hermosa
Quiero Cantar, Ver el Amanecer
Quiero Sentir sólo Tu Dulce Boca
Y Bailar, Quiero Sentirme Bien


5. In My Solitude
You Haunt Me
With Dreadful Ease
Of Days Gone By

6. I Get Really Sick and Tired of Boys Up in My Face
Pick-Up Lines Like "What's your sign?" Won't Get You Anyplace
When Me and All My Girls Go Walking Down the Street
It Seems We Can't Go Anywhere Without a Car that Goes "Beep-Beep"

7. Give Your Heart to the One
Who Gave Her Heart to You
If You Must Play the Game
Play it Fair (Play it Fair)

8. How Do I Look?
How Do I Look?
Woke Up This Morning, It’s a Brighter Day
I Looked in the Mirror, Saw a New Face

9. I Wasted My Tears
When I Cried Over You
I Should’ve Known
You Would Never Be True

10. The Tide is High, But I am Holding On
I am Going to be Your Number One
I am not the Kind of Girl Who Gives Up Just like That
Oh No!

11. You Know, There are Two Sides to Every Story
See, I Don’t Know Why
You are Cryin’ Like a Bitch
Talkin' Shit Like a Snitch



12. You Say You See What's Under Me
That the Gloss has Washed Away
But You're the One Whose Color's Gone
From Love to Dirty Grey


13. Funny Cause for Awhile
Walked Around with a Smile
But Deep Inside, I Could Hear
Voices Telling Me "This Ain't Right"


14. I Wish You Could Swim
Like the Dolphins
Like Dolphins can Swim
Though Nothing
Will Keep Us Together


15. But She had to Go and Lose it at the Astor
She Didn't Take Her Mother's Good Advice.
Now There Aren't So Many Girls Today Who Have One
And She'd Never Let it Go for Any Price



16. Sweet Dreams are Made of This
Who am I to Disagree?
Travel the World and the Seven Seas
Everybody's Looking for Something

17. I’m Coming Out
I’m Coming
I’m Coming Out
I’m Coming Out

18. I Won’t Let You Down
I Will Not Give You Up
Gotta Have Some Faith in the Sound
It’s the One Good Thing That I’ve Got

19. Non, rien de rien
Non, je ne regrette rien
Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait, ni le mal
Tout ça m'est bien égal

20. See My Days are Cold Without You
But I'm Hurtin’ While I’m with You
And Though My Heart Can't Take No More
I Keep on Running Back to You

***Bonus:***
All the World's Waiting for You,
And the Power You Possess.
In Your Satin Tights,
Fighting for Your Rights

Because Nobody Asked

After an absurd level of paperwork and forms, I finally succeeded in changing my car's registration and my license from Texas. Gee, it only took me four hours of standing in line.

I am still in low-key mode after the move. This is time where I am learning how Midwestern Funky Town works. Many people have complained about the streets being confusing in MFT, but after Boston it seems downright straightforward. Plus, I have determined that I could (if needed) basically walk everywhere in MFT.

Most importantly, though, I found that my local market sells TaB by the case. I have not actually seen the case o’ TaB before moving to MFT. Usually I always had to buy it in six-packs. To be honest, I figured the FDA wanted to limit the amount of toxins yummy goodness that any single individual could purchase.



With all the plugging I do for the product on this blog, you would think that Coca Cola would hook me up with some TaB swag. Maybe some of those “hour-glass” tumblers? Or they could just pay for my chemo for TaB-related cancer.

Since I am still on low-key mode, I am going to refrain again from a more lengthy entry. Instead, I’ll answer a question meme that I found at UnCool.

1. What Do You Say Most When You’re Trying Not To Swear?

Fuck (I am not good at censoring myself).

2. Do You Own An iPod?

Yes, though it is getting old. It was one of the first “minis.” I couldn't even contemplate the gym without one.

3. Which Person(s) In Your Top Friends Do You Talk To The Most?

Um – I am not sure that I organize my friends into a hierarchy that would suggest a select “Top.” Does this mean that others have people whom they consider “Loser Friends?”

Whatever the case, right now I probably talk with one of my sisters most often.

4. What Time Is Your Alarm Clock Set To?

It goes off at eight o’clock. As you can tell, going back to teaching in the fall is going to be tough for me.

5. Do You Want To Fall In Love?

Yes, of course. Do people actually answer “No?” What do they say? “No, man – I want my life to be an emotional void. That’s cool with me.”

In terms of falling in love, though, I would like to have more sense about it than my previous ventures. No cowards -- No liars -- No zombies.

6. Do You Wear Flip-Flops When It’s Cold?

I never wear Flip-Flops – ever. Indeed, I would probably go barefoot first.

7. Would You Rather Take The Picture Or Be In The Picture?

I would like to take the picture with my super archaic 35mm SLR camera. Why go digital when, in just three short weeks, you can have prints from actual film?

Still, I also like pictures of myself. Mostly, though, I want editorial control over all the pictures of me that exist in the world.

8. What Was The Last Movie You Watched?

Probably that was Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. It has been a very Harry Potter summer for GayProf.

As an aside, Daniel Radcliff certainly turned into quite the looker. Just in time for him to be legal, too!

9. Do Any Of Your Friends Have Children?

Yes.

10. Has Anyone Ever Called You Lazy?

My father always called me lazy when I was growing up.

11. Do You Ever Take Medication To Help You Fall Asleep?

I do when I really need sleep and am too stressed out to fall asleep. Most of the time, though, I avoid over-the-counter sleep aides. They leave me feeling really groggy the next day (and Tylenol PM seems to dehydrate me for whatever reason).

12. What CD Is Currently In Your CD Player?

Scissor Sisters’ self-titled debut album.

13. Do You Prefer Regular Or Chocolate Milk?

I only use milk in cereal or for cooking. Most times I buy 2%.

14. Has Anyone Told You A Secret This Week?

Nope. Do you have one to share?

15. When Was The Last Time You Had Starbucks?

Hmmm – It has been sometime. I almost always make my coffee in the morning at my house. When I was in Texas last month, I think that I stopped by a Starbucks for a Mocha.

16. Can You Whistle?

Sure, I know how to whistle. You just put your lips together and blow.



17. Do You Have A Trampoline In Your Back Yard?

Who wrote this meme? Clearly not the gays.

No -- I avoid eyesores in my garden. Trampolines only belong in sex dungeons.

18. Do You Think People Talk About You Behind Your Back?

Only the tabloids.

19. Did You Watch Cartoons As A Child?

Oh, goddess, yes! I was recently really excited to find the almost totally forgotten 1980s Zorro cartoon on DVD.



20. What Movie Do You Know Every Line To?

It’s been a bit of time, but I could probably mouth all the words to Star Trek II, III, IV, and VI ("Ship -- Out of danger?"). The same with Star Wars IV and V .

21. What Is The Last Thing You Purchased?

A parking permit for my new job ($500! They are mighty proud of their parking spaces at Big Midwestern University.)

22. Is There Anything Wrong With Girls Kissing Girls?

How could something so right be wrong? Indeed, I think that there should be more same-sex kissing across the nation.

23. Do You Own Any Band T-Shirts?

No, but I do own a Mr. Clean t-shirt.



24. What Is Your Favorite Salad Dressing?

Though it means losing blog readers, I really like Ranch. Most often, though, I just eat salad dry (to avoid extra calories and fat).

25. Is anyone in love with you?

Not to my knowledge.

26. Do You Do Your Own Dishes?

Despite my Dish Mania, doing dishes is my least favorite chore. Everything goes in the dishwasher. EVERYTHING.

27. Ever Cry In Public?

I can’t think of the last time that this occurred. I cry very rarely overall. Still, if I need to cry, being in public wouldn’t stop me.

28. Do You Like Anyone?

Just in general? Or like – like? Or like as in "tolerate"? Is this a question about being a misanthrope? I am confused.

29. Are You Currently Wanting Any Piercings Or Tattoo?

I go back and forth on the tattoo thing. If I were to get one, I know what and where. Still, it all just seems too permanent for me.

Piercings are a turn-off for me (not a judging thing – they just don’t turn my personal crank). Since you have to dress like what you want to sleep with, I have no plans for piercing.

30. Who Was The Last Person To Make You Mad?

My movers.

31. Would You Ever Date Anyone Covered In Tattoos?

What are the images in the tattoos?

32. What Did You Do Before This?

I was working on the never ending research project of doom. Then I answered a couple of e-mails.

33. When Was The Last Time You Slept On The Floor?

That would have been last Saturday before my furniture arrived (See #30).

34. How Many Hours Of Sleep Do You Need To Function?

After careful self-evaluation, I truly need eight hours. If given the opportunity, I will take more. When I have less, though, I will not quite process information right. If I go for two or more days with less than eight hours, it is almost guaranteed that I will get a cold.

35. Do You Eat Breakfast Daily?

Mom always said it was the most important meal of the day.



36. Are Your Days Full And Fast Paced?

They are full, but not fast paced at the moment.

37. What are you doing right now?

I am taking a shortcut to write a blog entry.

38. Do you use sarcasm?

Only as a pedagogical tool.

39. Have You Ever Been In A Fight?

Yes, but not since middle school.

40. Are You Picky About Spelling And Grammar?

No. I can’t spell to save my life. When I grade my students’ papers, I do make many comments on grammar, but it does not affect their grades. I am more concerned about content and the quality of their thinking (but to make that thinking clear often requires good grammar).

41. Have You Ever Been To Six Flags?

No, and I have no plans. Didn't some poor girl just lose her legs on a Six Flags roller coaster?

42. Have You Ever Gotten Beat up?

Yes, but not since middle school (see #39).

43. Do You Get Along Better With The Same Sex Or The Opposite?

I don’t think there is a clear divide. As long as they worship me, I really don’t care about their gender.

44. Do you like mustard?

Yes - Dijon, in particular.

45. Do You Sleep On Your Side, Stomach, Or Back?

I sleep on my side or stomach. Before falling asleep, though, I toss and turn a lot. It takes me a good hour before I fall asleep. Perhaps I should rethink #11.

46. Do You Watch The News?

Yes, on occasion I watch the news, but most of the network news is crap today. I depend more on the internet and the New York Times (when I have the time to read it).

47. How Did You Get Three Of Your Scars?

Have I stumbled into the movie Jaws? I am not sure that I even have three scars. There is one on my forehead from the previously discussed childhood hairstyling accident. The only other one that I know about is a minor scar on my penis (It’s true!), but that, my friends, is a tragic tale for a different day.

Tagged

Moving and traveling has made me neglectful of memes. CoG has been tagged several times for an assortment of them, but I have not had a chance to respond. Thus, this entry will address two memes.

First, let me extend my appreciation to those who selected CoG for the Thinking Blog meme (Ragnell, Tenured Radical, Atari Age, Diary of a Goldfish, and Slaves of Academe). You all make me blush. Plus, you left me with a problem of not being able to decide which five blogs from my blogroll to choose in return. They all make me think in some way or another. If I were forced to choose, it would probably just mean that I would crush on my usual suspects who get the most mention on my blog already (You know who you are).

I am, therefore, taking the lame way out and changing the Thinking Blog meme to my own rules. Yeah, I am a rebel like that. Rather than choosing blogs that already have tons of readers, here are five blogs that I think should have more readers/commentators. They all have GayProf’s Magical Seal of Approval^©:

1. Un-Cool – I only recently found this blog, but I adore it already. Lina, a British woman currently at work on a MA thesis, takes a distinctive and irreverent view of everything, but especially towards sex and gender. Hate it or love it. Either way, she should be having hundreds of comments on her provocative entries.

2. Mercy O. Warren – Truth in advertising, I knew Mercy when neither of us had a blog. Still, she is bringing sexy back to the eighteenth century. Looking for arcane knowledge about the drafters of the Constitution? Have you ever wondered what an elite Massachusetts woman would do with a blog if such things existed in 1789? Mercy is your gal (though she should update – ahem).

3. Earl Cootie – When I think of a gay 1950s gas-station attendant crossed with an imaginary childhood aliment, I think Earl Cootie. Sure, he has a peculiar obsession with the Aves world. What gay man doesn’t? Well, okay, I don’t. And, come to think of it, none of my friends do either. Still, Earl has a sense of humor that I adore, even if he is a birder (which always sounds more dirty than it should).

4. All Things Bitter – Have you wondered what gay life is like in Nebraska? Neither did I –- until I read All Things Bitter. It turns out that gay life in Nebraska leaves one, well, rancorous on pop-culture issues.

5. V.U.B.O.Q. To my mind, VUBOQ updates his blog at an ideal level. Usually he posts more than once a day, which means that you can count on him as a return-visit blog when you are “working.” His real-life cousin will soon be my neighbor, as well.

Finally, this man clearly has good taste as he won the CoG prize for knowing a [disturbing] amount about me:

DykeWife and Screw Bronze! (Maybe others?) Also tagged me for the “Eight Facts” meme. The rules for it are pretty straightforward:

* each player lists 8 facts about themselves
* the rules of the game appear before the facts do
* the player ends by tagging 8 people

So, here are eight things that you might or might not know about little GayProf:

1. I am color blind. This realization first came when I was in third grade and was tested in school. The nurse gave me one of those books with multicolored dots and told me to trace the maze or name the shape/image on each page. I thought that she was nuts. All the pages were just a jumble of dots. She seemed so adamant, though, and I was eager to please. So I just made up a path through the dots in order to placate her her. She then told me to inform my parents that I was color blind.

Funny thing when you tell an eight-year old that they are color blind, they only hear the operative word “blind.” I therefore concluded that I would soon be as feeble as Mary Ingalls from t.v. Out of bravery, I decided to conceal this information from my parents lest they worry. I was resigned that I would slowly lose my sight, but do it quietly and without complaint.



The nurse exposed my lie of omission when she phoned later in the week as a follow up (I guess to make sure that my parents weren’t enrolling me in flight school). My mother was fairly confused as to why I burst into tears over it.

My form of color blindness is not the most severe version. I can tell the difference between primary red and primary green. If, however, red or green are mixed with any other color, they “disappear” from my vision and I only see the other color. Therefore, the color purple is more of a theoretical than a reality to me. For my eyes, it just looks blue. Take note: If I say anything about pink, turquoise, or purple, I am just bluffing.

2. I have never gotten tired of the view from the Red Line when it crosses the Longfellow Bridge. Indeed, it is my favorite part of the whole T system. There is something great about seeing the Charles River and the Boston skyline after you emerge from the subway tunnel that always makes me smile. It could be sunny, raining, foggy, or snowing, but the effect has been the same.

Now that I am moving, alas, I will have to watch the reruns of Spenser for Hire to remember these good times (Though the actually journey from Kendall Station to Park Station is oddly much longer in the intro than it really is in life. Inexplicably, the train also skips the Charles/M.G.H. Station in Spenser's version of Boston).



3. I use clothes dryers very sparsely. For one, clothes dryers take up lots of energy and are, therefore, bad for the environment. Two, they are also rough on your clothes. I much prefer to allow things to dry on their own. The exception would be sheets, towels, and underwear.

4. I have a list of cities in North America that I consider my ideal places to live. Currently, the top four are Boston, Chicago, Montréal, and Albuquerque. I have applied for jobs in all of those cities at one point or another, but nothing permanent has panned out.

5. My credit rating is in the crapper right now. I probably wouldn’t even qualify for financing on a Vespa. Eighteen months of trying to pay both rent and my part of a mortgage meant that I often missed payments on other things. Though I am starting to get things under control again, it will take some time to fully fix everything.



6. I am very allergic to juniper (a coniferous plant). Because junipers require less water than many other plants of their size, they are frequently used in New Mexico for landscaping. This meant that Spring was hell (HELL) for me when I was growing up. It also took a significant amount of time before I figured out why gin made me instantly ill. Gin’s flavor comes from juniper berries.

7. During my undergraduate years, I took one semester of Russian. It was a heady time. The Soviet Union was collapsing and I thought it would be a diplomatic gesture for me to learn more about our former national enemy.



It turns out that I have zero (o) talent for learning foreign languages. All that I remember from that class was how to say, "Excuse me, please, where is the Bolshoi theater?" On the plus side, though, learning to write with a different alphabet improved my handwriting in English (true story).

8. I have surprisingly strong feelings that Michael Gambon should be fired from the Harry Potter movies. I don’t begrudge him his distinguished acting career, but he has made a terrible Dumbledore.

I know that Richard Harris died. It would be unseemly, and possibly illegal, to dig up his corpse and reanimate it using robotic technology. Still, that would be preferable than watching the abysmal Gambon, who has ruined every scene in which he has appeared in the Potter movies. Luckily, he had very little screen time in the most recent film (though still did a terrible job).



At first, I was confused about why Gambon portrayed the wizard as a hippie or a bizarre beach comber when that was not, in any way, implied in the books. Then I learned that he didn’t really work very hard at the role. "I don't have to play anyone really,” the actor told the press, “I just stick on a beard and play me, so it’s no great feat.”

By his own admission, Gambon is simply not doing his job. Acting requires work and dedication in learning a character. His attitude about not needing to bother with that for Dumbledore has shown in his wretched performances. Warner Brothers should fire him immediately and replace him with Ian McKellen.

Given my slowness in responding to tags, it would seem hypocritical to tag other bloggers. You will know if these memes are right for you.

TornWordo Dares to Ask

I was deeply saddened by the events at Virginia Tech. There are discussions to be had about the meaning and repercussions of that violence. It will take time to learn everything that we need to know. Right now, though, I think that we all need to grieve a bit.

Such events often get me to thinking about the silliness of blogging. Maybe it’s just that a low-grade existential crisis is always near my surface. Still, with all the violence and despair in the world (Iraq, Afghanistan, Darfur, and on and on), it can be hard to imagine that a few Wonder Woman comics and a wry reference to Charlie’s Angels amounts to something purposeful.

Then I think blogging can be beneficial in terms of my own entertainment or exchanging ideas. We all need these things, right? So, I keep going – much like Kelly Garrett did when she landed that plane while undercover as a flight attendant.

To that end, TornWordo had a nifty deal on his blog. He answered five questions posed to him by another blog author. He likewise offered to ask five questions to others who wanted. I will do the same, if you would like me to ask YOU five questions.

Here are the questions posed to me by Torn:

1. If your ex came back begging, would you take him? Please explain your answer.

Oh.Dear.God. NO!

In the last year of our relationship, Liar Ex (Who Told Many Lies) made it his life-goal to quash out whatever love that I had for him. This wasn’t just a case where his feelings changed and we parted. Nobody can control their feelings, but he handed me a number of dirty deals.

I loved him very much. Indeed, at the end I even reduced myself to basically groveling in an effort to keep the relationship together. Let me tell you, that required more than a little therapy to work out.

Instead of being honest, however, the decisions that Liar Ex (Who Told Many Lies) made while ending the relationship showed a sleazy, selfish, cowardly inner character. Liar Ex (Who Told Many Lies) imagined he was quite clever to have treated me like shit. He often dehumanized me by referring to me as “clutter” or a “unit” or something else that implied non-human status. He even made fun of me to his loser friends when I was feeling the worst.

Now I know just what to think of him. Time and time again, he had opportunities to be a stand-up guy, but always opted against it. Even after all of the deceptions and depraved indifference to my feelings, he managed to believe that he was the wronged party. Perhaps the only good thing about all that lying, cowardliness, and selfishness is that I have no romanticized notions about that relationship left.

Being single does not leave me doing cartwheels, but it’s infinitely better than a relationship with a mediocre individual like Liar Ex (Who Told Many Lies). I've tried to learn from the bad choices I made in that relationship. In many ways, I am still learning. One thing has become clear to me recently. If I am going to get into another LTR, it has to be with a man who has some balls.

2. Your writing seems very methodical, like what I imagine you wish of your students, lol. Your posts come off quite polished. Do you make many revisions before you post? (How long did you spend answering these questions?)

When I write an entry, I try and devote a significant amount of time to it. This is one of the reasons that I don’t post often. Well, that and I am kinda lazy.

If I write on a topic that really excites me, I could spend five or six hours on it (both writing and revising). Some entries have taken more time. On average, though, I would say that I spend probably two or three hours on most posts. This entry took about two hours.

Usually I sketch out the entry’s basic premise and write a draft. Then I read it over a few times looking for holes or places that I can add some humor (or force in a reference to a seventies television show).



Despite this, I feel like my entries often have many grammatical mistakes, especially spelling errors. Also, I struggle with writing entries that are too long.

3. Tell a funny story that has excrement in it. You know I love me a good scat story. C'mon don't be a priss.

If I ever meet Mrs. Wordo, our conversation will turn to your childhood experiences during toilet training. I need to know what happened on that particular bus ride.

Well, CoG devotees will remember that my move to Boston started with me being covered in shit. Cat did not enjoy the moving truck. Feeling bad for his panicked cries of stress, I took him out of his carrier the first hour that I was on the road. What I didn’t know was that cats prefer that you leave them in their box when they get too stressed out.

My cat educated me by crawling into my lap and promptly vomiting. Then he arched his back and took a massive shit as well.

This left me with a cooling pile of cat shit and vomit on my lap as I sped down the highway at about 70mph. It took about ten minutes before I could find a place to pull over. In the meantime, I had to juggle with the cat to keep him from sitting in his own shit and vomit. That was a golden moment in our relationship.

Visions of causing a catastrophic highway accident came to me. Who would want the uncomfortable task of explaining that a cat’s incontinence was the root of an eighteen-car pile up?



That, though, is an old story. So I tried to search my memory for another scat-centered story. BTW, I live in a neighborhood on the edge of Boston known as Somerville. Therefore the community access television station has the unfortunate (though maybe accurate?) acronym SCAT. I actually do think of you every time I pass the it.

The only other story that I could come up with involved an outhouse in New Mexico when I was a teenager. It was on the side of some highway. When I entered, somebody had shit on the seat. We aren’t talking about an unfortunate splatter – I mean somebody had taken an actual dump on the seat. At first I thought, “How can you miss when you take a shit?” Then I realized that this was probably somebody’s sense of humor.

Recalling this obscure incident then made me remember two childhood friends who were brothers (one in second grade, the other in first grade). They had some sort of game that involved “booby-trapping” their bathroom by shitting and not flushing. Even at age 7, though, they still actually made it into the toilet. Still, I usually waited to pee until I got home.

That’s the best that I could find in my memory. For the most part, I make a conscious decision to avoid shit or shit-related scenarios. If, however, I encounter better scat stories, you will be the first person I call.

4. Are you on team Hillary? Why or why not?

Why not GayProf in '08?

Hilary doesn’t particularly excite me. To be honest, I don’t feel enthusiasm for any of the potential Democratic players on the field right now. All of them want gay votes, but they have all stated that they think it is okay to treat gays like second-class citizens (in one form or another).

Beyond that, I just don’t imagine that Hillary Clinton could win a national election. Those on the Right are rabidly against her to the point of being irrational (I am not even sure that most of them remember why they were supposed to dislike her in the first place). Moreover, I have disliked her pandering to certain constituencies. I still remember, for instance, her opportunistic ploy to try and regulate video games.

If I had her career, I would become a powerhouse in the Senate. She is a young woman. She could ultimately reign there, perhaps indefinitely. Then again, if I were her, I would also lay-off the pantsuits for awhile.

If she ends up with the nomination, I would probably still support the campaign. I wasn’t thrilled with Kerry as a choice (Hey, let’s nominate a talking tree!), but I still volunteered for phone duty for his campaign (which was the best one could do in Texas, given the Democrats had basically conceded the state).

The next obvious questions become, “Why not a third party, GayProf? Also, how can we properly show our devotion to you?” Both of those are tough, but fair, questions.

I fully support third (or more) parties. I do not support, however, unrealistic or foolhardy political strategies. Don’t get me wrong, I am not one of those people who blames Green for the 2000 election. Gore won that election no matter which way you slice it (he had the popular vote and he also won the vote in Florida). The Republican Party kept him out office, not the Greens.

Still, one of the lessons of the Bushie era should be that national elections are not the place to gamble. They have real consequences for real people. Recent third party candidates for President, in my opinion, have not advanced social justice in this nation (and, in some instances, might have been counter productive).

Third parties can, however, be extremely effective if they focus at the local level. If third-party supporters really want to make a difference (and not just grandstand), start electing third-party candidates to school boards, city councils, and state legislatures. These positions, while often ignored, make a tremendous difference.

So few people vote in these minor elections, they also don't cost a lot of money to put up a candidate. I could probably run a successful campaign using my Visa card -- and I have terrible credit right now.

Heck, there are districts where we could probably elect a third-party candidate to the U.S. House of Representatives. Given the Congressional division right now, even a few third-party Representatives would have disproportionate power because they would be needed for coalition building.

5. With whom did you lose your virginity? Females count. Was it a positive or negative experience? Expand.

I lost my virginity to Colonel Mustard, in the Billiard Room, with the lead pipe. It was murder.

Sing for the Meme

Much discussion appeared over the last post. In those comments, I found that we can easily become side tracked or mired in negative feelings. At times like these we need to be reminded of what is really important: This blog is about me.

What? You didn’t think that I was going to make some call to think about our common humanity, did you? Yeah – We are all human – The world is a little flower – blah, blah. blah. Whatever – All eyes back on GayProf.

To that end, ROG had a nifty little meme that would help me create the soundtrack to my life. As you know, 20th Century Fox will surely be buying the rights to my life story at any moment. I imagine it will be titled: Valley of Gravitas or maybe GayProf Dearest.

Whatever the case, here is how the meme works. Open your music player and select your entire library. Place it in “shuffle” mode and see which songs come up for each of these questions (As usual with music memes, I altered the rules to prevent the same artist from being repeated. Otherwise, my entire life would be one long Billie Holiday song (which may have its own accuracy, but still)):

Opening Credits: “Transistor” by the Scissor Sisters -- It’s only appropriate that a queer band opens my queer, queer life. The slow quasi-distorted feeling seems mood appropriate.

Waking Up: “Good Daddy Blues” by Dinah Washington – Hey, what gay man isn’t looking for a daddy to pay for the champaign?

First Day of School: “Juke Box Blues” June Carter – Oddly enough, this song does have a youthful feel to it – There’s something about nickels (the most useless form of currency) and jukeboxes that connotes childhood.

Falling in Love: Anastacia “One Day in Your Life” – Yeah, great. Why does itunes always select songs in which my falling in love results in disaster? Oh, right, because all of my songs in itunes are about love ending in disaster.

First Song: ”Waltzing Along” by James -- This song was once recommended to me by the glamorous Helen. It has some basic truths that keep my life in perspective – Help does come when you need it most -- And all roads do lead to death row. Who knows what comes after?



Breaking Up: “Just Friends” by Billie Holiday – Of all the Holiday songs to connote my most major break-up, this is the least appropriate. Holiday built a career singing about low-down, scummy, liars (who told many lies) – Out of all of that, itunes came up "Just Friends?" If there is one thing that I know, I will never be friends with Liar Ex (Who Left No Promise Unbroken). I much prefer Kelis' "Caught Out There" as the ultimate break up song. Give me something with lyrics about setting a truck on fire. Unless this song is still supposed to be about high-school -- Then we are talking about dating girls, in which case it makes perfect sense. This meme is a bit unclear in its chronology.

Prom: “This Can’t Be Love” by Ella Fitzgerald -- Apparently itunes thinks that I am thirty years older than my actual age and speculates that I went to prom in 1956. Eh -- I get that a lot – It’s the gravitas. Of course, given that I went to my prom with a girl (in 1992, fyi), Ella might have a point about it not being love. I fall in love with the menz.

Driving: “One Man” by Pearl Bailey – It doesn’t strike me as a dynamic driving song – Still, who can’t appreciate the sentiment? One man just isn't enough, darling. Sing it, Pearl: “Someday one man might call my bluff, but until then, more men, ‘cuz one man ain’t quite enough....” Really, it's often about the strippers for GayProf.



Flashback: ”I Cried a Tear” by Lavern Baker. In my life, I have cried many tears – That’s kind of a downer, though. Based on this soundtrack, watching the movie on my life will drive the audience to a mass suicide.

Starting a New Relationship (I changed this from “Getting Back Together,” because I don’t condone keeping dysfunctional relationships together): “I’m Gonna Be Alright” by Jennifer Lopez – Okay, so seemingly this new relationship is based on a presumed disaster – again. I have really got to invest in some more optimistic music.

Wedding: “Solitude” by Helen Humes -- What a romantic song for a wedding – an entire song devoted to aging, regret, and being trapped in your solitude. Nice. Clearly that will be a healthy marriage.

Birth of Child: “Home for Sale” by Dwight Yoakam – Well, if I ever got saddled with a human-worm-larvae, you can bet your bottom dollar that I would put my home up for sale and move as far away as possible. Thank the goddess that I am gay and the chances of that accidentally happening are basically zero.

Final Battle: “Pity” by the Creatures – Seemingly my final battle will occur with a subtle island theme. I like the idea of my final battle being so low-key – no harsh themes or screeching synthesizers. They should serve tropical cocktails and everybody should wear festive clothing during my final battle. Just because I am busy triumphing over the forces of evil doesn't mean that other people shouldn't be having a good time.

Death Scene: “Overnight Sensation” by Tina Turner – Well, if I am dying, it might be a bit late to think about being an overnight sensation. Still, I did spend a long time working in the backline. You know it never was right. Then I said, “Girl, get up and get out of this mess.” Now I am an overnight sensation.

Funeral Song: “Runaway” by P!nk – Well, I can’t think of a more extreme way to runaway than being dead. Still, I presume that “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” will by my actual funeral song. I imagine that all the school children will be let out for the day, banks will close, and the nation will stop to remember the greatness of GayProf. What -- Too vain?



End Credits: “Thursday” by Asobi Seksu – Recommended by that brown-eyed, handsome man Cooper, this feels like a good way to end the film. I imagine that the audience will hear the lines, “since you’ve lost your way, you’ve let our love fall apart” and regret ever losing focus of GayProf. In exiting, they will all pledge themselves to be devoted priests in my cause. Or so I imagine.

Hmm – It seems my itunes is filled with music that's a tad obscure. With this soundtrack, maybe you should just wait for the DVD.